ASK GAY: Dream Job, Dream Big

The cards were stacked against me to get a post out yesterday. I surrendered when I looked down at my cookie sheet filled with chocolate chip cookie dough balls, anxiously awaiting a sprinkle of fleur de sel before being slid into the piping hot oven. At first glance, I thought something was off. At second glance, I knew something was off.  And then it finally dawned on my why... Not a single chocolate chip was to be found in the 16 perfectly shaped cookie dough balls. Someone forgot that last step of stirring chocolate chips into the dough...
But I'm not giving up. This will be a Saturday post. ASK GAY is a day late, but not a dollar short! Here we goes!

What is your dream job? If you could do anything- time, money, everything else aside- what would you do?
Oh well let me tell you, this question came at a very appropriate time as I have had a fire lit under me as of late! If I could have any job I wanted, I would be a public speaker. I would be a recognized writer. I would be in a position where my message would reach many hearts. You want to know the message I'm dying to share???

HOPE.

That's what I want to preach about.

Let me share a little something with you.

I love God.

I also love religion.

I think both God and religion offer a flame of hope.

I also think those two things, misinterpreted, kill hope.

It's an interesting conundrum.

Lately I've had unexpected conversations with people that fall in different places on the religious spectrum regarding different issues they're going through. But the ending concern seems to be similar-- they feel somewhat cut off from God because they're "messing up". And the deeds of messing up vary greatly. Like some things should hardly be termed as messing up.

This makes me so sad!

For awhile now I was just keeping my mouth shut under the assumption that I apparently see things so differently, and probably more "liberally" which isn't always acceptable. 

Well lately I've decided to stop keeping my mouth shut.

I think this life is a playing field to develop characteristics that collectively build solid character.

What are some of those characteristics?

Patience, sympathy, empathy, understanding, love.

There is a journey in gaining and strengthening these characteristics.

There is a huge learning curve.

And do you know what a learning curve entails?

Messing up.

Messing up is part of the journey.

It's part of the molding.

Messing up may always appear to be two-steps backwards, but I'm not completely convinced that's the case.

Sometimes messing up simply reveals a vulnerability or creates a space for more learning.

It's an opportunity!

Opportunity is a beautiful thing.

Opportunity is the opposite of standstill, opportunity is far from damming.

And yet I think a lot of our minds see messing up like that and therefore we're not open to learning the lesson and growing in the way that we could be.

Instead we take on guilt and cloud our minds with self-appointed negativity which then does act as a dam.

I remember being 19 years old attending Ricks College (before it took on the prestigious name of BYU-Idaho!). I was sitting in a religion class where the professor was talking about unpardonable sins. Sins that we couldn't repent from, sins that effectively stop our progress.

As a young 19 year old girl, I was scared to death that I fell into that category.

I remember timidly approaching the professor after class and being all, 

"Well tell me specifically...what are unpardonable sins?" 

I wanted specifics.

I remember him looking at me and saying,

"Believe me, nothing you have ever done qualifies as unpardonable." 

There was more in the conversation but the gist of that situation was that I- a recovering, out of control, rebellious teenager- was afraid that my chances at a God-pleasing life were already ruined. At a young 19 years old, I definitely thought there was a chance my fate was already doomed.

How sad!

Where is the hope, the motivation, the incentive to live a full life?

I feel lucky that I didn't get trapped in that mentality.

I feel thankful that my perspective on God and religion has evolved to where I no longer think of God as a dictator and His commandments as mere measures of success.

I'm glad that this evolution has lit a fire of HOPE that I want to spread,

to let others see that we just need to be moving forward, striving for good, extending our best by just a little each day. 

Forward movement, y'all!

That's what counts and that's something that each and every one of us can do.

It eliminates comparison as we each have our own starting line.

It eliminates guilt because we get that our paces will vary from day to day.

It allows for messing up because we understand that it's a journey rather than a race.

We start believing that we are creating something therefore allowing us to respect and accept the process.

Hope is beautiful!

Hope in the right things is freeing!

Living life at peace in priceless.

This what I want to share!

I want to share the different aspects of our lives that can be affected positively by appropriate hope- our relationships, our ambitions, our spirituality. I want to share how we can stop impeding our own growth.

I, in fact, want to tell anyone and everyone, through writing and public speaking. I want to use my story, my LIFE, my journey of messing up a million times, as an example of hope. Hence this is why it is now my dream job!

Do you have any ideas how I can start?!!

K, I'm now coming down from my soap box. But do share, what is YOUR dream job? If you could do anything- time, money, and everything else aside- what would you do? Do me a favor and please share in the comments section! Have a question for ASK GAY? Please email me at agirlnamedgay@gmail.com. Or if you just have a question or something you want to chat about but don't want it published, email me all the same.

I am a Child of God

I considered August 2012 to be my month of enlightening. It seemed like each week another layer was peeled in my self-discovery process. With each week, a new level of confidence was experienced. And with that confidence, happiness ensued. It was such an amazing journey to live! I felt alive, I felt deliberate, I felt loved in a way that can only come from within when one deems themselves lovable just the way they are without apology.
And here we are a year out from that beloved August. I've thought often about what I've learned in this year, what are some of the bullet points that highlight the lessons, etc. Although there are many, there is a specific frontrunner in my mind.
From a little girl, I grew up singing the popular LDS primary song, "I am a Child of God." I don't think I ever questioned my relationship to God. I knew I was His daughter, I knew He was my Heavenly Father. I felt His love during my highs and equally during my lowest lows. I knew I was His daughter when I was making good decisions and that knowledge never drifted when I was making very deliberate bad decisions. I never questioned the relationship and I never questioned whether or not God was doing His part.
The part of the relationship that always held me back was me.  I was always disappointing. I wasn't being the kind of mom I should be. Or daughter. Or Mormon. Or anything else. Simply put, I was never good enough.
I wasn't fitting in the mold that I, personally, had formed as to what exactly a successful Child of God was. Maybe I thought an acceptable child of God was someone who suppressed more of their desires to travel, who suppressed their passions for playing tennis and writing in order to fulfill the higher responsibility of 24/7 mothering, who was around negative influences all in the name of "loving thy neighbor", who would rather not stick up for herself just for the sake of avoiding an argument. 
I had created this mold that I absolutely did not fit into and a mold that was contrary to my innate way of being. In the previous couple of years, I had been giving into more of those natural ambitions, but wondered if "being myself" was coming at the high price of not being the child of God I was supposed to be. So I was always fighting against myself- it was a battle between being what I deemed a good child of God or betraying my heart.
No wonder I was always failing. After all, who gave me my heart? Who speaks to me through my heart?
In this past year, I'm accepting that I'm a unique child of God. That we're all unique. "A Child of God" is not a cookie cutter, a mold, or a generic expectation. I've learned and am still learning to give my heart a lot more validation. Instead of shutting down the ideas and passions and feelings that are fed to me through that vessel, I am learning to listen, accept, and own them. It's been a big swing and has taken a big leap of faith. In trying to figure out how to validate all the ideas, passions, and feelings, I've probably gone a little overboard- I had 17 getaways in the year 2013 before we moved to Texas at the end of July! I'm experimenting with this new way of living, with this liberation of shedding false expectations, and I'm sure it's going to take some tweaking before I find the perfect balance.
It's still a conscious monologue I have with myself, but in accepting I'm a unique child of God, I'm accepting that I AM enough. Just the way I am. And that passions, feelings, and ambition are put in my heart from the Being that knows me the best and loves me the most. That it's more than okay to follow them. In fact, that is the key to my happiness and more so, the key to fulfilling the very specific niche in this life that was created for me and only me. No one can do the job or fulfill the role that was meant for me...except me. So I need to listen and be in tune with that heart and rejoice in the fact that, no this isn't disappointing to God, but rather the highest way to honor my role as His daughter.

Cheers to August and being the best YOU that you can be!

Rise to the Top

I recently went away to a "wellness center" for the weekend. I know…it kinda has the same ring as calling into work for a "mental illness" day. Well, so be it. Because truth be told, I was very much wanting to improve my mental health while there if we're being honest with each other. Today, I'm reminded of one of the exercises I participated it. It was called Quantum Leap. 

Quantum Leap's instructions went a little something like this: climb a 35 foot telephone pole using the implanted staples as steps, raise yourself onto a 2x2 foot platform, and then take a step off into mid-air where you free fall until the harness catches you after about a body's length. 

I don't know what I thought of the exercise before I entered it. I mean, I knew I was there to learn something. It was an exercise that was meant to teach us about ourselves. 

We were meant to be in a tough position. 

We were supposed to feel uneasy. 

We were destined to experience extreme discomfort. 

And so there I was, with two other girls, ready to conquer and learn. Christy went first and effortlessly scaled the telephone pole, only slowing at the very top as she was coming up with a plan to hoist herself onto the small plot of a platform. For the first time, a hint of uncertainty showed through, but only momentarily. Pretty quickly, she found herself on the platform in a squat position. This proved to be the most frightening transition- going from the squat to the standing position. Her discomfort finally broke through the surface and it was obvious that she would much rather just keep it there, settling for the squat, by-passing the stand. That being said, there wasn't a chance she was settling for anything less than success. That's just her. She vocally pushed through her fears, through her discomfort, and found her way to her feet. 

Next up was a girl named Raquel. She was participating in this exercise to do something hard, to prove to herself that she had it in her to do hard things. She walked up to the same staples that Christy had just dominated. She mounted the first one and slowly pushed her other foot to find one. She was officially dangling, if only mere inches off the ground. And only two things were obvious-- she was already not comfortable and she wouldn't be moving at the pace of her predecessor. That being said, she found her own pace, and she kept pushing through to the next staple. She moved higher and higher up the pole, until she reached the top. Where she froze. As you're climbing the pole and ascending, there's a protection that's felt. It's not you, air, and height. The pole does some sort of disguising the reality of your position. But being asked to leave the pole, to embrace complete exposure- it's scary. Because then…it really is you, air, and height. That realization was notable in her words, her shaking nerves and unsure heart coming through with each sound that left her mouth. She slowly-- very slowly-- gathered her strength and got one, then two feet on the platform. And there she was, in squatting position…paralyzed. Fear had completely over-taken her body and she could not move even an inch. Any ounce of faith that she'd had while on the ground had completely evaporated- she couldn't do it, she could not transition to standing position. She was ready to succumb to effort alone. Essentially...to failure.

I sat watching from the ground and completely unexpectedly, I was emotional. This is not where I thought I would do my learning, where I'd have my moments of introspection. But I felt tormented watching her go through this process. I was entirely removed from her position- I wasn't experiencing her fear, her doubt, her perspective, her height. I knew if she made a wrong move, the harness would catch, that she had an encompassing safety net. I knew she could do it. I knew Raquel could do it, that she was mere inches in height and only seconds in time from completing what she set out to accomplish. If she would just stand up. I had complete faith.

And more than that...desperation, I was willing her to counter her own discouragement, as she repeated time and time again, "I can't do it." I couldn't swallow the idea of her not doing this. She couldn't give up. It was making me sick to my stomach the thought that she thought she couldn't and the fact that I knew she could.

We had all just witnessed the beautiful power of example as Christy traversed the unknown and the difficult. She had proved what we may have been unsure of at this point if it weren't for her....that is was possible!

But all that didn't matter.

The sinking truth that us believing, knowing, she could do, wasn't going to evoke movement.

Because she didn't think she could.

And that was breaking my heart. Because you can't just believe and want for someone else. And vise versa, someone can't just believe and want for you. While these are great supports and potential motivation, it will never be enough. Unless you believe in you, unless I believe in me…. it doesn't matter. It won't be enough. 

Watching Raquel broke my heart because I thought about all the times that I've been that close to the top….but haven't been willing to stand up, haven't thought I could stand up. Yet, the reality was, there I was …one simple push separating resignation from success. And all because….I didn't believe in myself. 

 Where are you more comfortable…cheerleading or doing? Do you believe in yourself as much as you believe in others?

For me this was a big wake up call of the discrepancy in my own belief system.

And hence a resolution I've been taking on…to step out from being a cheerleader- which I'm real good at it- and be a do-er. A get-crap-done kinda girl. A sit in the soak zone, jump in the cold ocean, dance when you want to kind of girl.

And Raquel proved her belief in self, hidden under a lot of doubt and fear, as she did...she stood up.

Looking down on the world, belonging on top of it, owning it like a freaking champion.  

 

I've been thinking about this experience as this week I've felt like the girl in the squat position, really feeling like I couldn't do it, like it was impossible to stand up. And I've been trying to remember the 

perspective I gained from being on the ground looking up. That I am mere inches away from conquering. One push away from succeeding. That everyone else knows I can do, they can see that I can do it. I just have to believe and do it.

I belong on top, standing straight up.

And so do each one of you.

On top of the world, dominating.

The world is ours,

if only...

 we believe in ourselves.

stalk AGNG:

{Awkward Dancing in a Leopard Shirt}

I'll tell you what, I was totally looking the part of a high-class CEO--

and no, I'm not talking CEO of Hansen Household- it's been proven on more than one occasion such as here that it doesn't matter what I wear...I'm the boss of no one in this casa. 

I'm talking about a very big, powerful company.

From the knees up...

...things were very professional. Because that's exactly what a pencil skirt and bun spell out.

And I have a feeling they disguise little facts such as I am a week late on getting the kids' school supplies and the fact that we have yet to see any doctors for yearly physicals.

Small details, ya know.

But somehow things went awry after that. We were almost there, looking put-together, completely legit, when in came the spoiler. It's like the truth can't help but manifest itself.

Remember these? 

Well, they made their way into this outfit with the persistence that only neon beholds.
And no one is taking a woman in neon shoes serious. And most likely takes away the notion that she's put-together!

These feet are getting quite audacious these days.
Like, they're really helping me to walk the walk instead of just talk the talk. 

I kid you not, they took matters into their own hands to do something I had dreamed about doing a million times over, but had actually done....well, zero times.
The other day, a friend and I were leaving the facility where I helped her volunteer.
Out of no where, the clients broke out in applause on either side of us as we were leaving.
This reoccurring visionary scene entered my head, but instead of rejecting it as non-sense, my feet mistook the dream as a command and just went with it.

And the next thing you know, I found myself ...

dancing down the aisle!

And it felt AWESOME!

give it up for the fake dance party photo op! and the sad truth is this is probably as nerdy as I look dancing. the truth hurts!

Just like it always had in my dreams.
I can't say whether or not this was the most opportune time to live it out,
but you gotta start somewhere! Haha!

Whatever it is you've been wanting to do,

{even if it's just taking ridiculous 'fashion' shots or dancing solo in public!}

JUST DO IT.

I got your back, Nike.

skirt and shirt: J Crew outlet. shoes: Steve Madden

The Trouble With Guilt

I once heard Dr. Laura come down hard on a working mom who called in. The mom was the principle financial provider for their family, which meant leaving her 2 children for the majority of the day. The mom expressed that she was feeling a lot of guilt for not being there. Dr. Laura's response sounded ingenious, "We're given guilt for a reason. You're feeling guilty because you need to be at home with your kids. Find whatever way to be at home with your kids."

Preach it, sister! The answer sounded spot on, simple, and just RIGHT.

And of course I would have thought that- I was a completely guilt driven person. Guilt was the driver, and I wasn't even worthy enough to ride shotgun. I was a mere tumbleweed, being blown to and fro without any dream of appointing my destination.

I agreed with Dr. Laura 100% because I tried to obey guilt 100%.

I wish I could go back in time. That I could track down that caller. And meet her at Starbucks. And offer her a different perspective. A different option for the source of her guilt. I might have to dress up as Dr. Phil to get any credibility, but I'd do it.

If you ask me, guilt is the boss that is never satisfied; that is irrational; that belittles you every chance it gets; that sends you on a wild goose chase; that is unstable. Guilt is that drunk boss who is nothing but a fraud. And like all legit frauds, we teeter-tot between accepting it as truth and calling it out as crap.

I think Dr. Laura had it wrong.

I believe in no way that God instilled guilt in us to be a governing agent. And if you don't believe in God, I'd say I believe that no supporter of good and positivity instilled guilt in us.

So where is this guilt coming from? Well, I have an idea or two.

I feel like guilt takes on a couple of roles. He's kind of like the Ghost of Times Past, aka your subconscious. Let me explain. I think we all grow up creating these ideals. We told ourselves what kind of adults we were going to be, what kind of a spouse, what kind of a parent, what kind of an employee, etc etc. We created these ideals out of our uninhibited dreams. We created these ideals without any experience, without thought for contributing factors.We created these ideals as we corrected those that filled the roles erroneously at the time {our own parents, our teachers, etc.} And guess what...we were going to be nothing like them!

Essentially, we created those ideals while in ignorance. And not only did we create those ideals, they were somehow ingrained and recorded. They became a standard.

And they come back to haunt us in the form of guilt. "You said you would never yell at your kid. You're a terrible mom." I said that when I didn't know what it was like to love a child, to love them so much that you actually care what they do or don't do. "You should be thinking about your husband 24/7 and drooling at the mention of his name. Yes, every mention." That's when I knew nothing more than puppy love and only had him and 1 Math assignment to occupy my desperate mind. "You shouldn't be blogging, you should be taking care of your kids." That's what I said before I understood balance and realized my kids need alone time just as much as I need 'me' time. "If you were a good person, you wouldn't have bad feelings towards that person." That's what I said when Peace, Love, and Happiness had a whole different meaning, when I thought the world could operate at a "perfect" level.

And despite our ability and our conscious logic that dispels any validation to that ridiculous guilt, there's a deep, buried belief that the guilt is right and that we are somehow....failing.

I think guilt also takes on the role of the Ghost of {elusive} Perfection. Innate to human behavior, we look around and take note of what's going on. We look how others' are fulfilling our same roles. NOT innate to human behavior, we have the tendency to then turn around and tell ourselves what a crappy job we're doing and what a wonderful job everyone else is doing. I'm gonna say that again- that self-deprecation is not innate in us. It is a learned behavior.

Nonetheless, we internalize these observations and the Ghost of {elusive} Perfection swoops them right up and haunts us with those notions of "perfection" as well- that every birthday party should look like it's out of a magazine because that's how our neighbor does it, that we should be dressed and looking the part at 8 am when we take our kids to school because that one lady is, that we should be the ones taking and picking our kids up from school, and taking them to all their other activities, and helping them with homework, and have a fantastic dinner on the table at 6 pm sharp because supposedly our sister-in-law's best friend's sister can do it. And since they can do it, I should be able to also.

{How's that one saying go, that we compare everyone else's highlight film to our weakest moments?}

Well, it's all a bunch of crap, the doing it all, being it all non-sense. Guilt pulls stuff out of thin air and somehow has a way of making us think it's legit.

And do you know what I think is most crushing of all about guilt? Those little ideas, little notions, little thoughts that we push away as guilt comes crashing through the front door.....THOSE .....hold the key to a lot of happiness. Those are conscious, brave, current ideas that would bring us so much satisfaction. That I want to blog instead of going on hour number 5 of entertaining my kids, that I want to get a baby-sitter instead of schlepping 4 kids around for 3 hours to do 6 drop offs and pick ups, that I want to go out tonight with my girlfriends instead of putting the kids to bed for the 12th night in a row. It's okay to "waste" money on a class that is very interesting to you. It's ok to try something that makes absolutely no sense. It's okay to drive your own bus instead of letting guilt be the driver.

Imagine that. Those thoughts that we push off because guilt stomps on their head....it's okay-- wait, wait it's more than okay-- it's NECESSARY to try them out and follow them if we want to be free, if we want to achieve happiness.

Try it today. When you start feeling guilty, figure out what the original thought was that brought on the guilt. And then follow that thought. Kick that guilt in the head like the raging murderer he is.

I'm not about to call Dr. Laura crazy or make you decide between her and me, one vote and you're out, but what do you think? What's this guilt thing all about?

Imagine if I had listened to that nagging thought that said, "Real moms don't let their babies drink out of the  {Tylenol} bottle". But I'm no sucka!
{fyi...we do quantity control around here. a dose is a single swig which equals much less than a teaspoon!}

{In which I solve the mystery of chasing the fountain of youth}

Isn't it funny to look back and think that people were actually looking for....the fountain of youth?!! Really?!! I mean, even a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow seems more legit than a fountain of youth. Do tell...what were they thinking the fountain of youth to look like? Old Faithful, perhaps?

And remind me....what exactly did they think the fountain of youth would do? Do you get thrown back into your teenage years?

Yea that can't be it....ain't no way in h e double hockey sticks most of us our willing to relive those teenage years! Did it just clear your wrinkles? Tack on an extra 20 years of healthy living?

I'm just curious. Because with the passing of time and the extinction of the myth, I must say....the whole thing sounds ridiculous. And fruitless. And a waste of good, precious, healthy, YOUNG time...the very thing they were chasing.

If I'm gonna spend my time chasing something, it's gone be worthwhile, YEA BABY! Which is why I've been following this one trail the last little long while. I declared it worthy and valuable and I've been on it's hind legs ready to POUNCE!

Wanna hear something crazy? Did you know.... that I've been looking to YOU for my answers?

Now before you get all nervous and start checking your back pockets and looking under your bed for your most prized possession, I have one more thing to add.

I QUIT.

I know, just like that, right!!! Just gave up what I've been going after all these years. I've always been kinda vocal about one of my weaknesses...I'm not afraid to quit!

I wish I could tell you when the chase began. When I set off on that mindless journey. When I looked at all of you... to try to figure out how I should...define me. When I determined I would find....normal.  Can you believe that? I've been creeping on ya trying to steal your normalcy. Like trying to steal the neighbor's Wi-Fi or something!

I've had many a battles in my little mind that go something like this:

I don't know what I should do. What would a normal mom do? I don't know what I should buy. What would a normal person buy? How often do normal couples have sex? How often do normal moms make dinner? How often do normal moms ditch their kids to go out of town? 

Haha....are you dizzy yet?!! 

Well, I'm not anymore.  Because I quit, remember?!

I don't know why I so vigorously sought this guideline of normalacy. What was I afraid of? What did I think normalacy would behold? Who was I doing it for? For me? For Yosh? Did I think it would richen my life like gold? Or elongate it like the fountain of youth?

Who knows, but it's all false. Fake as a three dollar bill baby! Ain't no happiness in chasing someone else's normal.

So today, I want you to join with me in a bit of an anthem, if you will. Ya'll if Jay-Z can have an anthem, so can I!!!!

And mine goes a little bit like this....

I am not normal.

I wasn't meant to be, I don't want to be.

I want to be something much greater,

I want to be ME. 

Now if only we could get a good beat to that...we'd have an anthem!

I know it's not polite to talk about the dead or for the dead, but I'm breaking rules {not normal means you don't even have to follow rules, holla!}. Es posible that those chasing the fountain of youth or the pot of gold or that one idiot chasing normalcy {just kidding just kidding!}....is it possible they/ME were chasing....happiness? Acceptance?

Well let me shed a small fragment of light on that subject:

Loving YOU and accepting who YOU are...there, my friends, is happiness.

And those are the words- along with my self-made anthem- that I'm gonna be focusing on this weekend!

Love you all and am excited to be sharing my journey with you!

xoxo gizay!

dressing up like triplets at 32 years old...is that normal?? apparently it's MY normal. haha!

{In the Words of a Very Wise Soul...Lululemon}

10 rows separated the soak zone and the comfort zone. 10 rows separated our party.
Until I realized why: I don't like being uncomfortable.
I wasn't hanging out my kids because I don't like being uncomfortable.
With this realization, a surge started somewhere right below my heart. I tried to ignore it but it kept creeping up in a slow, flood-like motion, rising higher and dispelling anything in it's path. My insides started unanimously chanting, "GABEY, GABEY, GABEY," until I couldn't resist the energy. I scooped up my Deeter bug, Kaia followed close behind, and we gave into the urge...."we're doing it!"

We closed the 10 row gap.
With all five of us sitting in 3 seats, we awaited the wrath of Shamu. 

Soak Zone is a correct label for those seats.

This single experience made my day a hundred times better.

In the words of Lululemon~
"DO SOMETHING TODAY THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE."

Today's a new day- what will I do to get outside of my box? To experience life at a slightly higher level? To cross the boundary of comfortability that leads to the exhilaration zone?

I have an idea or two for myself! I think I'll come post a pic at the end of the day documenting day #2 of breaking through!

What have you done lately to push your comfort levels? What would you want to do but are being held back by your comfort zone? Go on ahead and share...you can't doubt the power of confession!