Mo Money Mo Problems

I should be so excited that Kaia is potty trained and our fam is diaper-free during the day.  And even better than not buying diapers is not wiping dirty bums! Unfortunately, something not better than not wiping anymore kids is.... that same kid now thinking it is her own personal responsibility to wipe me. I'm used to not being able to go to the bathroom alone- It's been 8 years since I've had that luxury. What I'm not used to is swatting little hands away that are forcefully coming at my privates with a handful of TP. "But YES mommy, I wipe." You know what they say,  bigger kids= bigger problems. And all I can do is shake my head in agreement.

(And PS, forget saving diaper money. You should see the massive amounts of toilet paper Kaia goes through...which is why kids shouldn't be allowed to wipe themselves for a LONG time. Unfortunately Kaia has decided that rule doesn't apply to her. Shocker...)

ASK GAY: 2 pieces of Parenting Advice

Yay! Can I tell you how excited I am to be doing another "ASK GAY"??! It's been too long, and I must admit, these are some of my favorite posts to write. Kind of projects me into a completely made-up life that I sometimes like to pretend I live-- where people come to me for advice on a regular basis and in turn, we just get to chit chat! I'd be good at that in real life!
Ok, so allow me to bust out the ASK GAY button and make this sesh begin officially...

If you could only pass on two pieces of parenting advice, what would they be? 

Ah ha! I love this question because it really made me narrow down and prioritize what I think is both important and most effective when it comes to parenting.

(Disclaimer: Before I start, I have to admit what I think one of the absolute hardest things about parenting is. And that is that your rarely really know if what you are doing is effective. Meaning, often times we don't see the results of our work. (I'm assuming that will come years down the road.) And the results of our work don't always represent whether or not we were doing the right/best thing. Meaning, if a kid turns out awesome, it isn't necessarily because he had awesome parents that were doing everything "right". And on the contrary, a kid can grow up to be a tyrant in spite of awesome parents who made some solid parenting decisions.)

Okay, with that disclaimer out of the way, I'm going to share the two lines of thought that have really helped me as a Mom.

1) Remember we are teachers.

Our primary job as parents is to teach them: we're teaching them how to take care of themselves, how to function socially, how to solve problems, how to get along with others, how to stick up for themselves, etc, etc, ETC! I mean, for real, the list does not end! We are teachers! And most important in that role as teachers is not as much to teach them what NOT to do, but more importantly, teaching them what TO do. Human nature is that we want to be doing something. So that's what we should focus on when parenting.

There are numberless influences telling the kids what not to do:

"Don't touch that!"

"Stop jumping on the bed!"

"Don't hit your brother!"

"Stop talking like that!"

"Don't throw eggs at cars!"

There's no shortage of people defining the rules as what NOT to do.

We need to set ourselves apart from that group and in addition to telling them what not to do, we need to teach them what TO do.

For example, when I would see my littles starting to draw on the table or chair or wall, I would ask them, "Where do we color?.... Yes, we only color on paper," and then help them draw on the paper. This acknowledges the fact that they want to draw (again, they want to be doing something) and then shows them a positive way to accomplish their intention.

Instead of simply yelling, "Don't hit your brother!", I try to offer a positive, more effective way of dealing with his frustration... "Use your words. Tell him you're mad. He doesn't know what you're mad about if you just hit him. Give him a chance to work with you." This technique acknowledges their intentions and/or frustrations, and then teaches them how to channel those intentions in a positive/effective way.

Imagine if you're kid's teacher walked around the class during writing time and was all, "STOP making your b's like that." With no further explanation. With no acknowledgement that he is trying really, really hard to express something, to make a b....it's just that he often forgets what side that little circle goes on. Nope, none of that is offered, simply a demand to stop doing what he's doing. Obvious nonsense, right?!!

Food for thought!  

So #1- be a teacher.

2) Remember we're planting seeds.

This piece of advice came from my good friend, Anneli, and I've thought about it often. The idea of "planting seeds" has served as a great mediator when I'm faced with many a parenting situations. And let me tell you why.

Isn't parenting about telling your kid what to do and then they do it?

Success and failure is then very clearly lined out for you:

if they obey- success. If they don't- fail.

Fail as parents that is!

Well we'd all be failing parents if this were the measuring stick.

On this note, I think it is sometimes hard to determine what our expectations should be in relation to what we ask of our kids.

Do we have to be completely militant or a complete push over?

For instance, when you tell a kid to sit at the dinner table and don't move an inch, should our expectation be that they actually don't move for the rest of the meal? Do you struggle about what to do when they move all over and are up and running again?

I do.

I feel like I can be a military parent, or I can be a complete push over. 

And while neither of those titles are appealing to me, it used to feel like those were my options.

If I said, "Sit and don't move," I had to discipline if anything other than the specific demand was done. Or I felt like I had to completely ignore the fact that they didn't listen to a word I said-- in fact, did the exact OPPOSITE-- and we'd all continue on in our own little world.

Well, the idea of just planting seeds has merged the gap being militant and push over and helps in answering the question of appropriate expectations.

When I tell my kids something or ask them to do something, I am stating the ideal, thus planting a seed.

I don't have to expect them to right away achieve the ideal. (i.e.: use your words, don't hit, pick up your plate without me asking, be a good brother/sister, worry about yourself, etc.)  Each time, we can expect them to do a little better than they were doing before and that probably means not complying with 100% of what we asked them, but it means getting a little better than what we were getting before. 

That is improvement, which to me implies success! Moving in the right direction, baby!

 As they get older (think teenage years....), it might mean not complying at all. But we can still play a positive role by reiterating over and over the seed we're trying to plant. I hope that after repeating the ideal time and time again  that when the time comes when they're on their own, making their own decisions, the seed will have taken root and blossomed. 

What I love about both of these pieces of "advice" is that they are transferable to most situations- they aren't isolated to specific scenarios. Rather, they can be applied time and time again. The other thing I love is that they are both timeless principles. They can be applied to babies and teenagers alike.

So there they are!

And as a bonus, here's more good, simple advice!

• 

  Cali Pope Depend on and counsel with the person that knows your kids the best! And that's the man upstairs!

  Unlike · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 7:42am via mobile
• 

  Vanessa Gordillo Wuehler To just love your kids.

  Unlike · Reply · 1 · 22 hours ago via mobile
• 

  Camille Prows Hickcox At the end of the day trust your gut...momma knows best

  Unlike · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 8:13am via mobile
• 

  Kasey Merritt Laughlin just laugh 

  Unlike · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 7:38am
• 

  Laura Robins Anderson To relax.

  Like · Reply · 18 hours ago via mobile
• 

  Kady Arnold Peterson They will probably grow out of it

What piece of advice would you pass on???

***if you have a question for ASK GAY, please email me at agirlnamedgay@gmail.com.

Cardio Therapy

I'm feeling quite accomplished right now. It's 11:44 pm, I'm sitting in bed with completely drenched hair, the result of an 11:30 pm shower. 
And do you want to know why that's something to be proud of? Because you don't shower at 11:30 pm unless you're absolutely, but absolutely...disgusting.  And it takes hard work to get absolutely disgusting. I just finished playing 2 hours of volleyball. And that was just the capper. 
The real disgustifying came at my 10:30 am Soul Cycle class. You all I'm confessing... I've got the fever, I'm a Soul Cyclist! Joined the cult and am proudly owning up to it. Tomorrow I'm going to get the tat, to make it official you know.
I'm just kidding. Mom, I'm just kidding. My mom commented on my blog for the first time ever yesterday so now that I know she's reading, I have to be careful what I write....  Would hate to get a 1 am phone call--
"Gabey, don't you dare get another tattoo. I know you're an adult and can make your own decisions, but I will be very sad... And your kids, YOUR KIDS, you've got to be a good example."
But I digress. My point simply being I'm digging this whole Soul Cycle bidness. If you've being reading my blog for awhile, you've heard me talk about Miraval. It's the resort where being active meets therapy and teams up with luxury. It's my kind of vacation. You solve your own world problems while doing crazy activities, like climbing a 35 foot telephone pole and then jumping off. 
I'm finding that Soul Cycle offers me the same nugget of introspection and motivation in 45 minute stints. The girl whose class I took today pushed and pushed, as instructors are paid to do. "I WANT YOU TO FIND THE BEAT AND PEDAL TO IT. BAH, BAH, BAH, BAH. 1, 2, 1, 2. YOU DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE AS COMFORTABLE AS YOU WERE SITTING ON YOUR COUCH AT HOME. NO! YOU'VE ALREADY DONE TH HARD PART, YOU GOT YOURSELF HERE. NOW MAKE IT COUNT."
The beat of the music kept rising, intensifying the need to pedal pedal, increasing the burn that makes you want to say I QUIT and throw your hamstrings away. Just when I thought I couldn't go anymore, that one single pedal stroke was impossible, that the burn wasn't worth the reward, the instructor set into sharing her own personal story, of the hard path she'd been on of becoming a professional dancer girl. Not the stripper pole type, we're talking legit here. And after facing try out after try out, year after year- 7 years to be exact- she found Soul Cycle. She got certified and everyday she gets to show up and teach a class in an effort to touch one person, inspiring just one person to do good, to be better. And in doing that she's found the thing that she didn't know she was looking for all along.... she found purpose.
At this point, my legs were begging to fall off. But all of a sudden, instead of wanting to quit, it felt good- to be working toward something, to be doing something that is so physically hard, yet choosing not to give up. I'm just it was no coincidence that just like that, the work I was doing right then and there became the analogy for the burning question that she was really asking.... What is my purpose?
A question so simple and in the same breath so complex. A question so powerful and heavy and intimate that the emotion of it practically brought me to tears. I was pedaling with more energy than I thought I had more resistance than I had ever attempted. Amazingly, I wanted to do nothing less than give 100% percent. That might not mean a lot to you, but I'm a quitter and have no problem quitting almost anything. And I sure as heck have no problem wussing out on a spin class when the going gets tough, especially considering I was in a dark studio where I had no one watching, no one to impress, and no one to disappoint.
But quitting wasn't as option anymore. As soon as the expected words left her mouth, "What is your purpose?", I began to feel my purpose. I know some of my day-to-day purposes, but I don't always feel them. They get lost in the ordinary, in the mundane. But in those tender moments I was feeling them- their importance, their direction, their impact- and I was physically, metaphorically going after them, and it was emotional. Nearly-tears-emotional. And I absolutely loved it.
I was inspired in those minutes to go do my ordinary- live my day-to-day life of being a mom and taking care of four of the most precious human beings out there, but I was going to do it more deliberately, with more purpose.
And that right there... is why I'm jumping on the band wagon. 45 minutes of sweat and tears left me wanting to give MY life 100%. I've got Soul, baby!

I can guarantee that you'll leave the class totally DRIPPING.
They know how to make a client feel good!

 

A Learning Moment

One thing I've adopted from Yosh is the desire to make memories, to give our kids experiences, to exert our effort to do outings with the kids where memories are made. Experiences that don't have an expiration or a shelf life. Memories that don't have a price tag. Experiences that aren't quantitative. That's his vision as he makes choices and I'm glad I get to learn from him and participate with him in this venture. Instead of huffing and puffing when he calls me last minute to tell me to get all the kids ready for a last minute Dodgers game, I remember our goal. 20 years down the road, these special times are going to piece together to form a magical childhood. And we'll of had the privilege of not only helping to create it, but of being present as well; we'll be part of these memories that hold such weight.
When we were on our way to the airport to head off to Austin, Christy mentioned that the NCAA tournament was also in Austin that weekend. We knew we had to go, that we had to make it happen. So we did. And it was an awesome night. 

I look at this picture, and something funny starts to happen in my heart and then makes it's way to my eyes. And it kept happening all that night of the basketball game after this picture was taken. 
We were sitting in our seats when I decided we needed to take a pic and seal this night in history, never to be erased. I turned around and asked the first person I saw to take the picture for us. Almost as soon as the words left my lips, I noticed something about the boy. And as quickly as I noticed something about the boy, I just as quickly watched in admiration of this boy's father.
The boy had some sort of special needs. I watched as the dad flexed muscle and exercised restraint. He let his son field the question and then take the phone. He calmly watched as the boy tried to manage the situation. The dad spoke and pointed with confidence, letting the boy try to attack the task at hand. It was touching to watch this dad as he strived for the exact same goal as Yosh and I- to give his child experiences. 
And as great as it was to be at a basketball game together, I imagined that he had such simple opportunities- probably near daily- to give his son the simpler experiences in life that, once again, don't have that quantitative price tag. Money doesn't buy you the courage to not step in and save your child from a potentially embarrassing situation. Nor does it buy you the discipline to let your child try to do something that you could do ten times faster and twenty times better. It doesn't buy you the faith to trust that other people will treat your "different" child with the respect he deserves. This dad was simply letting his boy experience life.
I hope I keep handing over my credit card to buy these memories that immediately multiply in value- going to basketball games and Dodger games and Disneyland. But I also hope I can remember these memories and experiences that have nothing to do with money. As was exemplified by a sweet dad who let his sweet boy try to take this picture. 

ASK GAY: PARENTING ETIQUETTE

I'm back from my quick Desert getaway. 24 hours turned into 36 and I just hope my kids and husband are counting their lucky stars that I came back at all!!!

But I'm all refreshed and rejuvenated and ready to DISH.

So onto the goods.

As a new mom, I'm both curious and nervous about parenting social etiquette. Before I had my baby, I was a preschool teacher and have seen the fangs come out in parents and am not sure how I will approach that. What is appropriate parenting etiquette?  ~Nervous Mama Bear


To broach this convo, I feel the need to share an experience--which made me absolutely LIVID and CRAZY-- but also made me think more deeply about parenting social etiquette. Onto the story......
So this fall Deeter and Kaia were taking swim lessons. Lessons are semi-private, meaning about 3 or 4 kids, at someone's house. The pool was a big rectangular one, with a little square hot tub built right in.  So on day 1 we were doing our swim lesson when a mom and son showed up. The mom got in with her almost 3 year old son. During the course of the hour, my child tried to play with his swim toys. She started in on a very mature conversation with him, "Adam, is that your fish? Oh do you not want to share it? Dee-ter would love to play with it too..." she calmly explained, while holding a total of six fish. This same idea was stated in many different question forms while yielding the same result- homeboy didn't want to share his fish. With thin patience and no interest in sitting in on this hostage negotiation which have been known to last many hours, I led Deeter to other toys. This scenario repeated itself one more time during the lesson.
Call me judgmental, because that's what people do, but I formed an opinion of her and the "situation" that day.
Fast forward a week later where we all found ourselves at the swimming pool again. Adam was still having attachment issues and did't want to be away from his mom and was slowly "getting comfortable" with the water. Somehow, this "getting comfortable" process led to him and his mom hanging out in the hot tub that was essentially the same 90 degree temperature as the pool and the same depth of the wading area. The big deal of this? There is a "no hot tub til after lesson" rule. As soon as they entered the hot tub, guess what my 1 and 3 year old started doing? You got it. They wanted to swim in there too.
So there I was fishing out one kid after another, explaining and re-explaining the rules that the swim instructor had set out- we don't swim in the hot tub. Lo siento.
Meanwhile, this other mom is having a conversation with her son. "Adam, I know that the rules are that there is no swimming in the hot tub. We're just doing it this time to help you get comfortable with the water." She continued in dialogue like that with him for who-knows-how-long. 
My blood pressure was rising with each retrieval of a child and with the rambling conversation that I was convinced was more for the onlookers rather than "Adam".
I'm not fighting off the temptation...I have to ask you, Would you have been completely bugged or what?!! Oh I felt so justified in being ready to snap!
Finally, after yanking my kids out of the hot tub for the fifteenth time, I decided to say something to the lady. I was pretty fired up and thought it was a good time to confront the issue.
I wasn't talking all fired up but I was definitely talking with feeling, which came out something like this, "Look, I hear you talking to Adam and are saying you're just helping him get comfortable but here's the thing-- you know kids. I can tell tell my 1 and 3 year old a thousand times that we shouldn't get in the hot tub and that you're just "helping" Adam. But as long as they see you and your boy in there, they're going to keep trying to get in. Couldn't you help him get comfortable in the water in the pool where the lessons are going to take place anyway and the rest of the kids won't try to break the rules?"
I don't know what she said. Maybe nothing. I do remember she stayed in the hot tub. 
Things were very clear to me on that day, just as they had been on day 1,-- that her and I parent very differently.
I never got in the pool with any of my kids, not even the 1 year old, as I thought that was the point of swim lessons- to learn from an instructor. I throw my kids into the pool and yell, "Sink or swim, baby!" and all those little kids get to swimming. While I first allow my kids the choice to share and try to persuade them to come to that conclusion for themselves, if after a couple tries they don't make the right decision, i.e.:: to share one of their 6 toys, I show them how to share. With their toys. By taking it away and letting the other kid have a short turn. And lastly, I sure as heck am not going to bend the rules for my child at the expense of everyone else suffering. I'm not that type.
Now while it's quite tempting to fall for my biased side of the story, I will say that one thing was very clear from the two lessons I had spent with this lady:
She loved her kid very much. She took her role as a mom very serious. Obviously she had a different style of parenting. And it wasn't a "give your child whatever they want" style. It was a very pointed and deliberate {and dare I say exhausting...} and talk and "feel" your kid through everything style. She was working hard and doing her best to be a good mom.
And that's what was so disturbing and quite possibly made my blood boil for longer than it needed to. This wasn't a case of right and wrong. More so it was a case of what to do when two good moms completely butt heads in child-raising philosophies in a scenario where both children are involved. And that was frustrating because it felt like their was no solution.
And thus sparked the "think on a deeper level" need.
So onto parenting social etiquette.
I recently heard a definition of etiquette that I liked. Basically it says doing our best to make others feel comfortable. It's going to be pretty uncomfortable if you're at a ho-down barbecue eating your ribs with a knife and fork while everyone else is gnawing and licking and chomping. Etiquette in that situation has nothing to do with salad forks and entree forks. It's getting down and dirty and gnawing on that meat til you get down to the bone.
I think that is something to take into consideration when in a social setting and trying to figure out certain things: where/if to nurse, where to change a diaper, how to discipline your child, what to let your child get away with, etc etc.
Note that this is different from letting the social situation define your standards. It just might be that while at home you are able to employ the ideals you've set for yourselves, when out socially you should probably be open to being somewhat flexible. Ie: If your family rule is no treats til after lunch and you're somewhere where someone's handing out a cookie at 10:30 am, it might be a good time to be flexible on that rule and let your kid chow on a cookie with all his friends.
BUT....
there are going to be times where flexibility isn't an option and there is a butting of heads of two people doing the best they can. Obvi which is why I picked the above story to share. And the question.... THEN WHAT?!!!
I thought about this story for days after it happened. One, I next to never say anything "confrontational" to people who don't have a reoccurring role in my life. Not worth the drama and I can recognize that we all do things differently, etc etc. Two, I was concerned about whether or not I had done the right thing.
And this is the conclusion I came to, which in my mind plays into the conversation of parenting social etiquette. The conclusion...Of course I did the right thing!!! Hahaha! Sorry, no confessions or apologies on this one. But here's the why and the principle that can be applied in almost all situations:
I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my kids.
And while it is more than tempting to sit there and correct her ways, and say how wrong she is doing things, and how she needs to do such and such different {to make my life easier!!!}, once again,  I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR ME.
When the sharing issue came up, I was talking to my kids and trying to help them learn how to react when things don't go their way in life. When the boy wasn't sharing, I wasn't telling Deeter, "Well yeah, that kid should totally be sharing. He's just a spoiled brat. I'm sorry." Es posible I was thinking that, but we will never know for sure. Instead I was asking Deeter for suggestions of other options-- should we find other toys? should we swim over there? should we yank the toy and swim away? Kidding, kidding. Point being, I wasn't teaching Deeter what that kid should be doing, I was teaching him ways to deal with what we were currently going through, which was someone not sharing with us. Teaching him that we are responsible for our actions despite the decisions of other people. 
And I think that can help us tons in parenting clashes. As humans, we're pretty quick to point the finger and  say what the other person should be doing differently. But what can we do that is in the realm of our control? Do we walk away? Do we teach our kid to use his words and say, "I don't like when you call me stupid," even when the other mom is listening in on the parroting conversation? What are we going to do with our predicament?
And lastly, when things had "gone too far", as determined by me, I decided to approach the mom in a {mostly!} friendly manner. We as moms can't be afraid to do hard things. Sometimes we have to stick up for ourselves and what we think is right and ask for a little help in what we're trying to achieve. Not saying it was always pan out {as shown in my story} but we can at least say we tried. we can't be afraid of adult conversations where we might disagree.
************************
So that's my two cents. A long two cents but whatever.   As always, ask any follow-up questions in the comment section, and I will answer in the comment section as well. I know this is something we all deal with as parents. What input do you have on the subject of social etiquette for parenting? Do share!


Do you have a question for ASK GAY??? Love getting them! Email me at agirlnamedgay@gmail.com

Chao!  

ASK GAY

I am so excited about your "Ask Gay" post!! I have so many things I'd love to ask you. I need advice on lots of things, and I just love your outlook on life. My first question is this: how do you get your kids to share rooms peacefully? (If there is such a thing.) You recently posted pictures if your home (GORGEOUS BY THE WAY!!) and it looks like all of your kids share rooms. I have two boys who are 15 months apart. We aren't pregnant right now, but are trying, and hopefully we will be soon. My boys are complete opposites, and for the most part, don't get along. I am nervous for them to share a room. What do you do when one if them is sick and cries a lot during the night? How to you get them to stop fighting and go to bed? My boys are two and three years old right now, and they totally push each others buttons and fight all. The. Time. Any advice in the sharing a room subject is greatly appreciated!!


First of all, 15 months apart.....ARE YOU CRAZY???  I'm just messin with ya, girl! My boys are 16 months apart so I feel you on that one! So, yes, all my kids share a room. And having two sets of kids that share rooms, I feel like I've learned a lot since each set is somehow very different from the other. 
I would definitely suggest two separate beds (versus sharing a full/queen bed) if your boys don't naturally get along. That already sets very defined "personal space" boundaries. 
If your boys are still nappers, I'd suggest either a) nap them in different rooms still or b) stagger their nap times, laying one down after the other has fallen asleep. 
One of the amazing amazing amazing benefits of having your kids share a room is listening to them chit chat at night. With them each being limited to their own beds, and the lights are off, their only option for warding off bed time is to talk to each other. My babies already do this also and it's priceless. I feel like this serves as such an opportunistic time for the kids to build strong bonds. That being said, sometimes that chit-chat turns into fighting. If that happens, they lose talking privileges and it's silence and sleep time. As with anything else, consistency is important so that they know you are serious. If they don't cooperate after the first warning, we use the "three strike" disciplining where after the third warning they lose a privilege for the next day. As long as the expectation and consequence are clear, we  usually don't have any problems.
I've been shocked at what kids can sleep through- i.e.: their sibling crying in the night, sleep talking, throwing up!, etc.You are on mom duty and any little suspicious sound wakes you up and has you on alert. Fortunately, most kids don't have your same sixth sense. Give them the chance to shock you with their sleeping abilities!
And as with everything, give the new routine/sleeping arrangements time. The first night may be horrific. Don't throw in the towel. Give it a chance to work, always being open to tweaking your system and working out the kinks. {That's how we learned to nap in different rooms!} If a couple weeks in it is still horrific, go back to the drawing board. There's no shame in learning through experience that sharing rooms isn't the best fit. Which brings me to my last piece of advice....
Babies can sleep anywhere. Porter had the luxury of having camp set up in the dining room. That was his "bedroom" for awhile. And Kaia slept in a pack n play down in the guest bedroom until September. She still naps in one in our closet. And speaking of pack n plays, Dallin slept in one until he moved to a big boy bed at 3 years old. So as you go into thinking about rooming assignments, don't be afraid to think outside of conventionality and do what works best for your family. Pottery Barn style may look good, but may not always be the best fit for what you got going on! When a new baby does come into your home, it will feel just as loved whether it sleeps in a done-to-the-nines nursery....or in a small half bathroom- it's the truth!!!
Good Luck! xoxo gay any follow-up questions, ask in the comment section and I will reply to them there!
Also,  do you have a question for ASK GAY? Remember, it can be anything! Advice about your boyfriend, hot LA restaurants....ANYTHING! Email me at agirlnamedgay@gmail.com