What's a girl to do?

This baby lady of ours is just a growing up. I can hardly stand it. Except that each new stage has us just as enamored as the one before. I mean how can you resist a "clicking" baby? Ohhhh she'll be clickin. When she's happy, here comes the clicks. When she has something to say, it begins. If her clicking is at all representative of her talking....we'll have a chit-chatter on our hands... I can't wait!!  And I love when she's tired and I lay her down how she starts thumping her leg like a little rabbit . And how with the least bit of attention she turns on a smile that lights up all of L.A. I love her. And how she reaches for everything foot first and can stretch those legs of her out to make perfect 90 degree angles. It's amazing. (Don't worry, give me about 2 or 3 months and she'll hit the stage that starts driving me crazy and the gushing will finally stop. But until then, indulge me.)

The only thing leaving me dissatisfied with the whole baby thing right now is the fact that she's 100% on the bottle and my seasonal lady friends have deserted me, once again leaving me with a chest that resembles that of a 12-year old boy. I mean seriously...isn't that the least of keepsakes I could have after all the pregnancies and nursing I've been through? Huh uh. Apparently too much to ask. Word on the street is they're being held ransom until I decide whether or not I'm willing to buy them back..... What's a girl to do? 

I was driving past the hospital today when an unexpected lump arose in my throat. Nostalgia sank in so much deeper than I would have expected. I was driving my "for sale" Honda Pilot- our stepping stone from 1 to 2 kids.  It took my breath away as we used a big chunk of our savings as a down payment- a huge leap of faith for me-but then breathed life right back into me as it was the SUV I just had to have. It is the car that drove me to the hospital to have two of my babies. And it was the car that we brought three babies home in. The Pilot will soon be gone. And the hospital I passed most likely won't host anymore birth-giving parties. And to me there is no day more special than birth-giving day. Anticipating it is like the night before Christmas as a little kid. Except that each night of the last two weeks have been like the night before Christmas. So imagine the accumulative effect. The adrenaline, excitement, and jitters are at an all time high.  I thank my lucky stars that all four births have been healthy ones and relatively normal in spite of a couple hiccups. So when that baby comes out and accepts life, and the bond is for the first time physical, time literally stands still. There's this small window- when you've unloaded the burden of being pregnant but have yet to take on the reality of a newborn- where everything is perfect. Ignorance is uninhibited and love encounters no walls. Life freezes- just for you- and allows you to drink it up, to have your cake and eat it too as the saying goes. I would trade in Christmas every year in exchange for a birth-giving day once a year. To taste that euphoria if only for a few hours. But since Christmas is set in stone and I can't handle the exponential stress that each baby brings, it'll all remain a memory that each day falls more into the distance. Although reaching for those days, those 4 special days, will leave me with only thin air and empty hands, today I have all my growing babies to love on and hold close.

(an inspiration from 71toes.blog- write down what mom is thinking in the pictures. some day both the kids and i will want to know about mom. Tonight (which is when this pic was taken) I was thinking how sometimes it's great when daddy's out of town because cereal for dinner at 7:00 or whenever is great. i was thinking "how is it possible that baby girl loses a spoonful of baby food in her knee rolls?" i was wondering how not having school the next day eases all the stress even though the night routine doesn't change much. I was thinking how much i love my kids and how awesome it is to be their mom. Ok, no I wasn't but it sounds good, right!)