Monday, October 3, 2016

A Time to Kill thoughts

I just finished watching “A Time to Kill” again and that movie never loses it’s ability to stir all the dormant feelings to life. I know the movie is framed to portray the desired dichotomy- the rambunctious white boys alongside the calm, family oriented black community; the white’s disrespect for the law versus the black’s law abiding citizens. I see that it’s a picture being painted for me rather than a complete reflection of reality. But I get it. And mission accomplished to start a very controversial chain of events.

The movie does so much more than illustrate the difference between black and white, the injustice that lies in color no matter how hard we try to ignore it. Or no matter how hard we try to accept it. That’s not the first time that reaction has been pulled from this movie.
This time, more blatantly was the underlying tone that controversy is far from clear cut. When one decides to take on a position to defend, it doesn’t matter what the issue, there is always obstacles that leaving you guessing, and then second-guessing time and time again both yourself and the issue. We see how we’re forced into sides. That come strong enough there’s no room for middle ground, for playing it both ways.

And that strikes me at the core for some reason. I think the older I get and the more unclear the lines are that I see, middle ground is the only place that feels safe. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that we can both be right, or wrong for that matter, on any given issue. Maybe it’s because of our current position in the maturation process of said issue that has our heart telling us two distinct differences that we each feel called to fight for. Maybe it’s the way we were raised that blinds us to other possibilities. Maybe it’s fear, or faith, or ignorance, or liberty that won’t allow our minds a different perspective. I don’t know but it makes it all very confusing to me. I don’t even know why i want everything to be so clear cut to me but I can tell that it’s super bothersome that it’s not. 

In his closing argument, Matthew McConaughey states that we all have an obligation to seek the truth with our hearts. He issues an abandonment of mind and pleads for an intimate inventory of the heart. Was Matthew McConaughey fighting with more of his heart than Kevin Spacey? I don’t know. And what if they were same amount heart, that Kevin Spacey believed Samuel Jackson’s guilt and corrupt motivation with the exact same amount of heart that Matthew McConaughey believed his innocence and temporary insanity? Then what?

This is why conflict leaves my head spinning. This is why I feel like I avoid taking a stance on a lot of things, that there is no clear right or wrong. But then writing it out and watching a movie that so beautifully illustrates the exemption of middle ground, it beckons the same rule that Matthew McConaughey won with— we have an obligation to seek truth with our own hearts and then roll with it. Let your heart be the judge and allow the passion to follow. Be willing to eat your words if that time comes. Be willing to be humble and be humbled. Be willing to fight for something that will lose. And don’t worry, I’m not preaching to you, simply to myself.

(also written on the way to Hawaii. Better late than never, y'all.)


On the way home from the baseball game last night, Porter was all cute talking about The Fam. “Dang, it’s not going to be the same in Hawaii without it being the six of us. It’s just better when we’re all together.” Now, if there’s something more that warms a mama’s heart, I don’t know what it is. Jack Johnson said it best when he declared, “It’s always better when we’re together.” Maybe that’s why I love Jack.

That being said, I know in theory even if not always recognizing it in practice that there is a flip side to every sacrifice. And I already know one in this case. I’ve recognized it from young the lack of chemistry in Porter and Deeter. Innately it just isn’t there. I’m sure we could go into factors that contribute to this but that’s not the point of my post. Also, I have made mention over the last couple years that there are more and more moments of improvement, even where they enjoy each other’s company. Lately, there have been quite a few common interests- basketball on the Daily’s trampoline, the X-Box, fantasy football, football and I can’t think of more, but they’ve been occurring. They more often than not occur when Dallin is out of the picture. It’s a default system that forces them to either thrive alone or figure each other out and I feel like they’ve been doing a real good job at the latter. So here we are on a 6 hour flight to Hawaii, and those two boys have been cuddled up playing the iPad together and sharing headphones to watch Aladdin together and they’re building memories. Between the two of them, a relationship that needs a lot of those moments to sustain what started out as lack of chemistry. It warms my heart to see these boys become true brothers. That’s worth a sacrifice. 

(written on the way to Hawaii in June '16, just now saw it again and need it in the forever files)

Friday, July 8, 2016


HI, Honolulu
so, porter went to Stephen Curry over night camp, he had a very, very fun time, and Curry went in to porter's  dorm room his roommate fainted! Stephen Curry taught them his ball handling drills and shooting drills.
before that, we spent 4 days in a condo we discovered 7 Brothers, and right by there, there was a place with shaved ice which is a snow cone that's shaved.
we went the polynesian cultural/culture center. it was really fun. we went to watch ha/the breath of life, it was amazing, and we went to a luau also amazing and we discovered pounders.
we went in to a new house
we also went horse back riding for 45 minutes.
went to a hole Lot of beaches. my favorite beach was called Hukilau
porter's camp is over now. we went to a resort called turtle bay for  10 to 4 ,then we left for our flight.

by deeter hansen

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Once in a Lifetime

It's small but huge, unexpected yet not all that shocking. But since it's personal, since it's my experience, it's everything on the bigger scale. It is huge, it was unexpected, and it was the best reminder ever that things do work out for me in the way I want them to from time to time.
Porter started talking about this Steph Curry camp and after a couple mentions I told him we'd take a look at it. Google showed that there was in deed a Steph Curry camp and that-- of all places-- it was being held at BYU-H. Y'all, if BYU-H wasn't already supposed to be in all caps, I'd be writing in all caps because HAWAII.
Quick time out to give the strong reminder of how much I love Hawaii.
Google actually had other information for us as well. The camp registration was closed, as was the waiting list. Camp full.
My heart sank. Halfway for Porter, halfway for me.
The thought of a Steph Curry camp being at a church school blew my mind. What are the chances??? Even after knowing this for 2 1/2 months, it still blows my mind. The merging of all things good was happening.
Well, it was happening for 200 other people, but not Porter.
The disappointment set in but life went on because that's what life does. Normally, I'm pretty quick to move on. Missed opportunities aren't that stunning to me. I'm pretty go with the flow and of all the opportunities I've missed out on over the many years, only 2 have regrets attached to them. 1) I should've gone to a portion of the World Cup in Brazil with Yosh. 2) I should've gone and seen Jack Johnson in concert for his Here and Now tour.
All other missed opportunities have got little more than a shrug of the shoulders and an it is what it is response.
But not this. I couldn't shake it. I've expressed- although not strongly enough- my love for Hawaii, and then the praise hands for this camp being held at a church school.
On the other end, though, we had Porter. Porter had a rough second semester of school. There were multiple calls/emails home from a teacher or two, a call home from the principal. We had "moments" to say the least. BUT...
But at home we had this kid who had awakened a dormant ambition to be better at basketball. And who infused that desire? Steph Curry. Who was that teacher on how to be/get better? Steph Curry. Porter watched countless You Tube videos on shooting technique, dribbling drills, etc etc and then spent literal hours doing the work. Basketball was the ying to his school yang. It was inspiring to watch.
As we were trying to instill inspiration in Porter to improve his behavior at school, who did we naturally refer to as an example? Steph Curry. We found inspirational quotes that resonated, that made Porter want to a good person on and off the court, to work hard on and off the court, and he did. He put in the work at school too.
All these details combined to create a disappointment that warranted much more than the shrug of the shoulders.  I knew there just had to be a way to remedy the sitch and my heart confirmed that by not letting it go.
I did something out of my comfort zone and emailed a friend who grew up in BYU-H (in fact her dad worked there) to see if she knew of an in. Please! But to no avail. She had no in, her dad no in.
But a couple days later she emailed me saying a Facebook friend had posted that the Oahu Marriott was auctioning off one ticket to the Steph Curry camp. For me, this felt like a mini-miracle! One, that there would be an unorthodox way to get a ticket, and two, that somehow I got my hands on that knowledge.
To submit an auction, you had to do a write up about the potential participant. It was so great to take a minute and articulate our Porter and what this camp would mean to him.
Here's the email:
A little history about my son, Porter— he is nine years old and a basketball fanatic. Although basketball has been his favorite sport for a couple of years, starting a few months ago, he spends every spare moment on the basketball court practicing shots or doing dribbling drills. It has been super fascinating to watch my creative, aloof, forgetful kid turn into a dedicated, deliberate, ambitious child all because of basketball. Steph Curry has quickly become his hero. He rotates daily between his 3 Steph Curry t-shirts. He watches Steph Curry video clips and then goes and applies the Steph Curry work ethic to try to improve his own skills. Needless to say, he’s both a huge Steph Curry and basketball fan!

Unfortunately we only heard about the Steph Curry camp a few weeks ago:((  I was sooooooo disappointed to see it was already full. Because in addition to Steph Curry being my son’s hero, two of my sisters went to BYU-H and I was able to visit them once at the campus. The colliding of Steph Curry with BYU-H has left me with such a strong desire to somehow make this camp a reality!!!!

Thank you so much for the opportunity— hoping that we get lucky!
I didn't want to get my hopes up too high but I also felt like the chances were stacked in my favor. I mean, how many people were really going to hear about this auction? And of those people, how many would be willing/able to get to Hawaii for it? BUT, you never know. Enough people wanted and were willing to go that both the camp and waiting list were full.

So the waiting began. The auction closed on Cinco de Mayo. At home we were "celebrating" with the cheers-ing of Mexican Cokes but meanwhile I was checking my email way too often, even though I also reminded myself that we were operating on Hawaiian time. Which meant that not only are they 5 hours behind us, also ain't nobody in a hurry over there. That was Thursday. Then Friday. I knew there was no chance of hearing anything over the weekend. So I thought maybe Monday by 10 pm I'd have an answer. And then if I didn't, Tuesday I would reach out.

But Monday at 6 pm, we got the news...Porter had won the entry.
My goodness, luck is on my side from time to time and this was one of those times! I remember leading up to this moment, thinking, "If Porter wins this spot, it's going to be a true testament to me that God is aware of the little things and that, despite my perspective that my dreaming rarely goes according to plan, sometimes the dream finds the finish line." I'm thankful for the hype leading up to this moment so that I was ready and could appreciate the gems when they came.


 We waited to tell Porter. In fact, we told Dallin first because unfortunately timing is such that Dallin is the only kid that doesn't get to make the trip:[  (He made the All-Star baseball team and the tournament starts right before we leave.) In true Dallin fashion, he accepted it like an absolute champ and then figured out a way to surprise Porter. He taped a packing list for the camp to a basketball and then asked Porter if he wanted to go outside and shoot.

True to form, Porter was (or played??) confused. An explanation was necessary and the as the days have passed, the excitement has only grown! Good times lie ahead and I am beyond ecstatic to be the chaperone on this adventure!  

Monday, June 20, 2016

Tid Bits

From time to time, my mom sends us little snippets of her journal entries from years ago and I absolutely love hearing small, seemingly insignificant moments of mine and my siblings past! So in an effort to pay it forward...

*Porter is a supporter of me and I love it. Sometimes when I get frustrated with the kids not eating what I cook, I get all huffy and puffy and am all, "I'm not cooking anymore." And Porter gets all serious and says, "Mom, please don't stop cooking. I'll eat your food. Don't stop cooking." I'll always cook for you, Porter.
He knows I'm in a Photography class and he asks from time to time how my homework is going and telling me I need to practice. (Pretty sure he's heard me say I'm a bit frustrated...) This weekend I was needing some models and he gladly paused his front yard baseball derby to model for me and his bro and friend followed suit. It;s funny how these little things are really the big things.
Him and I got home late Friday night. Yosh was out of town and the bog boys wanted to sleep with me. I told Ports I was probably going to wake up and go to the gym in the morning. He was all, "Come on, Mom, don't go to the gym. You need more sleep than that. And we need to cuddle." Make no mistake, he is a cuddle bug. When I let him sleep with me, he wants to sleep right in my armpit with my arm around him...all. night. long. Next level cuddling right there. Kirt and Kady style.
*B man is a good kid. We just told the kids a couple nights ago that we were going to Hawaii...well, everyone except B. And like the champ he is, he accepted it. Obviously it's with good reason he's not going (he's on the All-Stars team and the tournament starts right when we're leaving) but still...  He was the one to tell Porter and the kids the news and it was a cute little night.
B is such a hard worker. He took note of Porter putting in time on the basketball court (and the accolades that followed...) and he has starting working on hitting on his own more. He's so fun to watch on the ball field with his innate understanding of the game and what to do in fast plays. His hustle and competitiveness comes out on the field overtime. The other day while playing 3rd, he literally dove and tagged someone out heading for home and then still had his head on straight enough to get up and throw it to 2nd for the double play. (Full disclosure: I could be butchering the play, or combing two plays as details aren't my strength, but all these things happened- a diving out and a double play- just maybe not in that order and/or together!)
The way B plays with Deetz and Kai is so endearing to me. I keep waiting for him to get too old or above being the best biog brother but it's yet to happen. 
*Deeter Bug Hansen. This weekend he was texting with Yosh (while Yosh was out of town) and I literally had to double check to see who was who-  he held such a sophisticated conversation. Im glad him and Yosh have each other, they can analyze details and statistics together and never get bored of it. Yosh is right when he calls Deeter an encyclopedia- he's pulling facts and tid bits out that no 7 year old should know. But the Deetz does.
His summer morning routine includes a solo trip to the Daily's trampoline to get his dunks in and get sweaty enough to warrant a break.
He loves his big bro's and is thrilled when he is invited in on their shenanigans. B asked him if he wanted to sleep in their room last night after the NBA finals (the boys apparently had a lot of post-game analysis to get through...) and his response, "You bet!"
*Kaia has been praying in echo mode. This girl. Just no words. Homegirl is still sleeping and I need to rouse her because she has been on the countdown for gymnastics camp for many days and the day is finally here! She does countdowns for a lot of things- Deeter's bday, gymnastics camp, and now Hawaii. I love her.
Her little feminine-unique details make me love having my little girl. The kids were setting the table for Father's Day dinner last night and she had to go make everyone's name tags for where they were to sit.
And let's talk about her ritual of laying out clothes. She has had up to TEN-- yes you read that right-- ten outfits laid out at a time. This weekend she upped the ante by also writing a hairstyle label for each day. 
She loves swimming! She kept asking to go swimming in her clothes yesterday (somewhere she heard someone does??) and was thrilled when I told her she could go in just her panties. Dreams coming true.
And can I make a quick note of how much this little lady chats? Every now and then a break (for me...) is necessary!

Monday, June 13, 2016

One of a million Crossroads

You know those blog posts that start out, "I don't even know if I'll actually push publish on this post buuutttt..."
I actually find that opening quite annoying. Obviously you're going to post it, you pushed publish and didn't edit out the opening line.
And yet in this moment I'm tempted to have that same cliche as my start. And truth be told, I more or less did start like that. I just wussed out by quoting the generic instead of claiming the cliche as my own. 
I think what all those writers are really feeling, as am I, is, "This feels like a vulnerable post to me for whatever reason. Therefore, it makes me nervous/scared to push publish yet I have this desire to be honest and share."
At least that's how I feel.
I'm in this stage of life where I'm trying to cross thresholds and add different experiences in my daily life to up the quality. For the last 11 years, my time, energy, and desires have been monopolized my mothering, which is just how I wanted it. The last two years have represented a shift in demand and therefore... time, energy, and desire. I've known something new was on the brink (or needed to be is probably better said...) but wasn't jumping.
And before I get no one too excited, let me add a spoiler alert-- there's no big news, no big opportunity at the end of this story.
But the last two years have been filled with me wanting something new and different added to my daily. In the more recent months, I've been thinking more in specifics as to what I want to do and have even filled out one application and dreamt out loud about ideal jobs. A month ago I signed up for a photography class as this could be one component in the big picture of some things I'd like to eventually do. I've been so proud of myself for starting a journey. It's been soooooo refreshing to be in an instructional setting and feel like I'm learning and being challenged in a different role again. It's been encouraging to confront one of my innate weaknesses of entering a course of action without really knowing the end result. It's breathed new life into me allowing myself to explore without an expected outcome.
All that said, I'm at this crossroads however many weeks later. I'm halfway through the photography course and feel pretty discouraged. I don't feel like I'm picking up on the techniques/principles either at all or as quickly as I'd like?? Don't know which one it is and I feel this very real crossroad is begging the question, "So are you going to give up? Because you don't have automatic natural talent? Are you not willing to work hard to become good at something?" Because meshed in that rhetorical character -nagging question is a truth that is not an original thought to me-- everything new has a learning curve. Learning anything new takes a lot of work, a lot of failure, a lot of "this isn't really all that fun" time being invested.
And apparently-- as previously suspected-- I hate this part of the journey. I think I've encountered this part of a journey many times and have pretty much floundered and said, "Forget it, this isn't for me." Whatever the current "this" may have been.
So now I'm at the point where I could say that, but the nagging truth is just that-- nagging. Reminding me that I can go ahead and quit but that whatever I determine to put my efforts in, I'm going to face these exact feelings. Time and time again. And the only way I'm going to find success- in anything- is working past this pit in the road, trudging on, and getting through the no fun this sucks part of the journey.
One of the interesting things about mothering is the natural incentive. I'm sure I've felt this way many times when dealing with different challenges in mothering, but the innate love for my kids and the innate desire to be a full-time mom leaves it such that quitting isn't even a considered option. Like ever.
So it's a new ball game to choose to enter an arena when the incentives aren't nearly as natural. My incentives are simply that I have a stirring desire to do more, my mind is begging me for more engagement, and I know I can't experience full happiness in my current state of being. But figuring out all the details to satisfy these bullet points are definitely up in the air for debate. 
So there's that. Who knows why it feels vulnerable to me to write this. Maybe because I'm admitting that I'm a quitter and I'm currently trying to quit that habit. Of being a quitter. Imagine the irony.
And actually, with that, I'm off to practice my photography work. To be a good student, because if there's one thing I've really wanted to do the last few years, it's that-- be a student. So here's to making good on your dreams when they're laid before you.

(pics from our recent trip to Utah)

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Shifting from Independent to Dependent Children

I know one of my strengths: raising independent children. At probably 9 weeks, I had all of my kids sleeping through the night, because I had followed routines that taught methods of self-soothing. Starting from pretty young, I got the kids in routines that had them getting dressed, making beds, and getting breakfast mainly on their own. (To be fair, I've always cooked my kids breakfast and probably always will for as long as they let me. But they know how to get themselves a bowl of cereal or make toast or whatever.) When I go out of town, they rock their morning routines and can make it out to the bus on their own. They know their night routines of pjs, potties, brush teeth and can easily get themselves and each other to bed. It makes it very nice when we have a babysitter because they're independent.
The other day I was reading this blog about someone's adoption story. The family has adopted multiple kids. Anyway, the mom was documenting the following weeks after adopting another child. She talked about how important it is at the beginning to establish dependency with the new child. She said kids coming from orphanages know how to do everything for themselves- soothe themselves through discomfort, hunger, pain, know how to put themselves to sleep, etc. The challenge becomes to teach them to let people into their lives and create a dependent relationship.
It has been so interesting to think about that, especially in my own realm at home. One reason I'm such a hound for raising independent kids is because it makes my life a lot easier. But reading this really stopped me in my tracks and made me think about areas I could improve on to create more of a dependent relationship with my kids. With all the kids being between the ages of 5 and 10, we've entered a different stage where needs have shifted from less physical to more emotional. And emotionally, I want more of a dependent relationship with the kids. I want them to approach Yosh and I when they are having problems with friends or image or decisions or just figuring out life. It's going to be something interesting to think about over the next little bit but it's definitely an area where I want to make strides.
Anyways, food for thought and I love food of any kind. 


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