Monday, September 29, 2014

Silver Linings Playbook

I watched a documentary on The Great Jimmy V (click on link!) back in July and have been trying to live by a bit of his sage advice ever since:
Everyday laugh, think, and cry.
He cited that as a key to a happy life.
Today I checked all three of those off while watching Silver Lining Playbook.
Now, I need to give you some background on this movie. Not the actual movie, but my experience with it. I originally saw the movie whenever it came out. How many years ago was that? If I were to guess, I'd put it in 2012. I was rolling solo that day and went to sit down with my diet Coke and popcorn because, truth be told, we know I go for the DC and popcorn just as much as I go for the actual movie. Now before booty found seat, somehow my popcorn was spilled. Like completely gone, on the floor. An appropriate beginning to a movie titled silver lining.
I sat back into my seat with feelings of both curiosity and excitement to watch this movie. I had heard a lot about it and knew the basic premise was right up my interest alley. I didn't have to wait long before something was happening in my feeling department- there was no beach entrance into the heart-wrenching drama. I instantly was engaged and attached. I watched for two hours as layers of complex crazy were piled one right on top of the other. Jennifer Lawrence repeatedly screamed out in disgust, "I don't give an eff," and each time she said it, I felt my guts being pushed further inside. Some of the crazy was so relatable. 
I left that movie angry. I was shocked by my own emotion. I drove our Range Rover at speeds that made me feel something. I only mention The Range because, let's be honest, the visual of me peeling out in the minivan just isn't the same, and visuals are important. So anyway, I'm mad for a couple of days. Like something deep inside was awakened. I felt I related all too well to the movie and I also felt it was completely unfair that on top of just dealing with life that we all also have to deal with crazy. Because if that movie proved one thing, it's that we all have a little bit of crazy coursing through our veins. I was disturbed. That disturbed feeling in regards to the movie has stayed with me ever since I saw it although the anger left.
Fast forward to today when I decided to revisit all those disturbed feelings and see if I could figure them out a little better by watching it again while doing some housework. Or computer work. Or possibly none of the above. Whatever.
First and foremost, let's take note of the amazing character casting. Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence? I mean, nailed it. Perfection perfection perfection.
Ok, now for the things that made a little more sense to me this time around. 
This time around every time our girl JLaw found herself in situations that left her yelling, "I don't give an eff", I recognized the lie, that she was screaming those words with the passion of a girl that felt exactly opposite of what she said. It was a girl sitting on so much feeling and so much caring than she knew what to do with and was therefore left to declare time and time again, that she didn't give an eff. Every time she said it, I heard her. And slowly I connected it: if there could have been a theme for my teenage years, it would have been I Don't Give an Eff. That may have been my catch phrase. I said, thought, and believed that more times than I can possibly count.  I don't need to continue on in the explaining, in the connection, in the paralleling, of a troubled girl who had so much screaming going on inside that all she knew how to say and do was I don't give an eff. I believed JLaw's unmistakable passion, and this time I didn't believe her words and I heard and felt every single thing she wasn't able to say. I recognized her as me.
That's a hard way to live, to have your words and feelings so at war with each other. And apparently I had forgotten what it feels like to live that way. But when those buried feelings resurfaced, I remembered and they did something drastic to me. I'm glad I've changed.
And the next thing that was a game changer for me. She gets so mad at Pat (Bradley Cooper) for not only bringing a book into HER time slot, but a book  that is riddled with negativity and sadness and as if the negativity and sadness alone weren't bad enough, it didn't even have a silver lining. IT DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A SILVER LINING. That's the name of the movie, how had I missed the significance of this line?!!  And as I've been thinking about that line for the last couple hours, I really think that's what I missed overall the first time around, I think I missed the silver lining. The crap they dealt with, which make no mistake was absolute CRAP, wasn't for naught. No, I'm not stupid, I noticed the first time around that they fell in love, that damaged relationships were repaired, that wrongs were made right. Yes, I caught onto the silver linings the first time around. But I think I was so focused and disturbed by the mess in between that I couldn't even give the silver linings credit. The work it took to create those silver lining were too painful, too much work, just too hard for me to deal with. 
I don't do messy, I don't do crap, and I might be missing out on love and repaired relationships and wrongs made right and silver linings. It might be time to reconsider my relationship with crap and messy.
I feel a lot better this time around. Some might call sitting around for 2 hours a waste but I call it therapy. Not to mention,  I didn't even have to pay anyone $75/hour. Already recouping my loss due to a spilt Diet Coke and popcorn the first time around. Now if that's not a silver lining then I don't know what is.

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