Friday, March 8, 2013

ASK GAY: Love and Marriage

 How did you know you wanted to marry your husband?  At what point in your marriage did you feel like you've got the marriage thing figured out?
-Contemplating the Tie

Maybe I'm being presumptuous, but it appears that love is in the air! But love, marriage, fun, forever can all have blurring lines that aren't clearly marked when or if to cross! I'd love to offer up my experience and see if it sparks any understanding or insight for your own!

I actually love the story of how I knew I wanted to marry Yosh because it has taught me a lot about life.

On date #1, I found out my knees had a mind of their own as they kept sliding right toward the Yoshi's until a subtle touch was going on. And in that moment, I would be reminded, "You just met this boy-- slow your roll!" At which point, I would convey the message to my knees, hoping they'd play by the rules of acting interested but not overly interested. We were finishing each other's sentences that date, and dreaming aloud unabashedly, realizing that our futures held a similar blueprint if things were to pan out as we desired. After that date, I knew a) I liked Yosh, b) we had chemistry.

Our first month of knowing each other was long distance, which meant hours were passed on the phone each night talking about who-knows-what. And if you've ever had a phone convo with the Yosh Train, you know what a wowzer this is that him and I were having hourly convos on a nightly basis-- the boy was digging me. In these convos, we got to know a lot about each other for two reasons. 1) We're both, for better or worse, pretty authentic people. What you see/hear is what you get. And 2) You can't make out on the phone so to "spend time" together you must chat. And when you run out of things to chat about, you better pull something out of thin air to chat some more. We got to know each other well.

When I moved to Provo, UT to finish school (Yosh was already there), things started progressing fast as we spent tons of time together. And despite, my most sincerest oath to not be one of the statistics who meets and marries her man all within a 6 month time-frame, as is the Mormon culture stereotype...and probably with reason!, love was on a run-away train and it was going that direction- either we were meant to be together or we weren't. For a long time, as in 3 weeks, I wondered if I should marry Yosh. Was he the one? Was this the one man that God had hand-picked for me to marry? Did He want me to marry Yosh?

Couple raging endorphins and the raging drug of love with these questions, I was spinning my wheels and making no progress. We had a brief "time out" {3 days-ish?!!} and boom cleared my head. And the answer I was looking for was pretty clear....

If I want to marry him, I could. He was a great guy, no outstanding red flags, he treated me good, he liked me for me, supported me in my things, we were on the same page.

Sometimes I think I wanted some Red Sea parting type of answer revealed to me since marriage is such a plunge. Like I wanted a complete confirmation, a guarantee that I was making a solid choice. But that's not how things really work. So with the decision returned to my hands, I felt good about it. I felt good about the fact that I was choosing him and that I felt us a good match. After that, it was on. Engaged a few weeks later, married 2 months after that. From the day I met Yosh until the day we married....11 days shy of 6 months.

As for question #2...not a chance I have marriage figured out, even almost 10 years into it. I have a learned a thing or two about marriage. We go through cycles of being all in love and things are great and we get along and we laugh and are straight up BFFs for life. A couple weeks later, there's a big disconnect, more disagreeing, and we don't feel like soul mates. But with the ups and downs and changes, I've learned not to overreact in those low days and just do my best and remember that it won't be long til we're on top of the world. Enjoy the high, ride out the lows. I've learned that what works for our marriage this month might not be working next month. So we always try to communicate and reevaluate our needs, wants, and strategies to have a good marriage. And the last thing I know for sure is the best gift I can give my kids is a healthy marriage. So I try to put a lot of weight in that. When I feel complacency setting in and feel like the spark has been gone for too long, I don't let myself get comfortable and settle and say "Well I guess this is what 9 years of marriage looks like". I remind myself I want a great marriage versus a merely functioning one and I remind myself that's the gift I want to give these kids of mine.


So let's help this girl out! Do you remember the moment or the why when you knew you'd found The One? What have you learned in your married time? 
Do share!

Do you have a question for ASk GAY???
email me at
Would love to hear from you!


  1. My husband and I met in April and married in December. There was no guarantee that things would work out or that either of us was even ready to be married, but we were crazy about one another and we agreed going into things that if we got married, we got married for life. I agree with you, Gay, marriage works if you make it work. There are no perfect marriages and there are days where we are constantly at one another's throat. It's a constant cycle of liking one another and disliking one another. The key is just to realize this and not give up.

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  3. love this cute story! I wanted a huge billboard sign saying YES marry him!!! to :) haha but I think the comfort of being happy and knowing I loved spending time with my boyfriend (now hubby) was enough for me to! loved hearing this cute story from you!

  4. Loved hearing the part of the weeks of "highs & being bff's" and the weeks of "lows" because that totally happens to me. Its comforting knowing its normal...or at least 1 other person experiences the same thing I do and its ok.


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