Sometimes I'm surprised by the things that weigh me down, the sources of my stress.
And starting a couple months ago, I've felt heavy in an area.
Kaia starts preschool three days a week in the fall, which opens up a lot of my time. While this should leave me exhaling a sigh of relief, I'm not feeling that way. To me, it sounds like extra hours to clean the house and do laundry and have a quiet house with no one to talk to. That specific routine right there….sounds like torture. In an effort to escape that type of work, I'm sure I would be much more likely to schedule tennis lessons followed by boxing classes followed by a lunch out. That sounds like a luxurious schedule, but I feel like that'd pissing my time away. I'm not a self-motivated person and I won't be productive unless held accountable and I'm not happy unless I'm at least semi-productive. So all this puts me in quite the pickle.
Although, not really. Because it's very clear to me that I want to:
a) be productive
b) be in a situation where I have accountability
c) interact with more adults
d) do something I enjoy
Realizing these intentions has been a little overwhelming. I feel like the world is mine and I'm free to do whatever my little heart desires and chase any dreams I choose. But it's interesting to broach that subject again after having laid it to rest when I decided to be a full-time stay at home mom almost ten years ago. In reopening the subject, I haven't been sure where exactly my interests were. It has been hard for to distinguish between enjoying being a consumer and desiring to be a provider. For example, I really enjoy fitness. But does enjoying it from a consumer perspective transfer over to wanting to be a provider of that?
So, as I thought through my options, fueled by zeroing in on things I already loved to do, I started narrowing down my list. And finally, I came to a conclusion. It is something I've always wanted to do. If I remember correctly, it's what I started saying I wanted to be right out of high school. And that is I want to be a high school teacher, specifically an English teacher. And now even more specifically, a creative writing teacher.
I still remember being five months pregnant with a Teach for America folder in my hand. I was in one of the bathrooms in an English building at BYU. That isolated moment stands out in my mind as the one where I knew a professional career wasn't the path for me. I knew I wanted to be a full time mom to my little Dallin B and there wasn't room for those two dreams to co-exist. That was a sad realization for me. I knew which dream I wanted more and made my decision accordingly.
Fast forward to now and I'm realizing something: life is long. Shawni from 71toes.com always reminds her readers of that. Right now I'm understanding that quote with more depth. When I decided to not teach, I thought that was a decision that buried my dream and laid it to rest. But now I'm understanding more about right timing. Life is long! and while the timing wasn't right then, the timing to advance towards that goal is now right.
That desire to teach has never left me. And all of a sudden I'm excited at the thought of this becoming a reality. It has been growing and growing since I started re-watering the idea. I'm not the most ambitious person but thankfully I married a very ambitious partner. One that not only supports me in my dreams, but works to make to help me achieve them. I have been very intimidated by the process of getting certified and figuring out where to go from here, but that's one of his strengths (doing footwork and research).
I just finished filling out the application to the local community college. Tomorrow I'll get to set up an appointment with an advisor and then we'll start blazing the path.
Ultimately, I don't know where this is all going to lead. I'm not head strong on the end result. I don't know if I'll ever be a full-time teacher or not. But I do know right now I'm getting on the path I'm supposed to be on and am going to enjoy the journey of growing and developing. Corny? Yes, but isn't life one series of realizing truth in cliches??? For me, it has been.
Felt bad that I had to cut this lady's head off, but my techy skills are limited. And the words were most important to me. I was super inspired by what she had to say as I feel like this articulates the process I've been through the last few months.