It's funny how a million blog posts used to run through my head each day. Some were funny, some were serious, some documented fact, some let on to the fictitious reality that takes place inside my head. But all of them were looking for an escape from head to paper. And now? Well, I apparently don't think in blog posts anymore. But I do have this burning desire to document my life. Every day and feeling and insight feels so unique yet fleeting. What pieces will I remember if I write nothing?
I like being a mom! I can't always say that if we're being honest. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and I experience more of a drowning sensation than anything positive.
In the last two months, 2 insights have etched my core and left me enjoying motherhood, even at it's ugliest.
1) I was reading Marjorie Hinkley's book "Glimpses" and within one of the excerpts she talks about the privilege of raising God's children. And although it was not a new bit of knowledge, something about that clicked like it never had before and I sensed the tender and special responsibility of raising children of God! This thought and feeling carried me for awhile (until it didn't…!) and gave different perspective and enjoyment to my everyday life.
2) I watched 30 minutes of this terrible movie called "Mom's Night Out" or something like that. But thankfully, embedded in the terribleness, was a gem. There's a scene where a mom and dad are reflecting on childhood dreams as to what they would do/be like as adults in comparison to where they were. The dad laughed as there was a stark difference in dream vs reality. But the mom? She started crying upon realization that she was living her area. And not exactly happy tears. She had three young children, felt tired and run down, wasn't sensing a lot of satisfaction. Yet….this is what she had always dreamed of, right?!!
Guess who else dreamed of being a mama and having kids since the time she was little, little? Well, yea, Yours Truly! So guess who else is living their dream? I am. This dumb, corny scene really made me appreciative of both my dream and my reality. The big difference I've seen since this realization is during the hard moments. I'm real good at enjoying motherhood during the high times! But my natural instinct when things go bad is to look at situations as unbearable and look for the nearest corner to hide in.
We recently took a family trip to California and had an amazing day including watching Kalia's volleyball game, a trip to the Nike outlet, In n Out, and an amazing afternoon at the beach. The result of a go-go day was too overly tired toddlers at bed time. Kaia and Deeter were both crying and not settling down for bed, which is not normal behavior. I decided to lay down with both of them until they were asleep which I absolutely never do. Usually I would be bitter and slightly fired up and hugely frustrated in this situation. But I was thinking again about how this was my dream! Who would have thought this was encompassed in the role I spent hours dreaming about as a little girl! I mean, did I really think it sounded delightful to deal with tired, crying kids?? It made me laugh and appreciate the moment and the reality. The realization in the moment also hammered in what a temporary state we were in. I would wake up in the morning to delightful babes. This crying and neediness? It would be gone in 1o minutes.
So, yes, I'm enjoying motherhood. The demands and expectations I've put on myself have lowered. Interestingly enough, I sometimes wonder if surrendering expectations of such high performance hasn't in turn yielded higher performance and results. Don't think about it too much, no need to wrap your head around that one.
Anyway, love these kids.
We listen to a lot of Disney Pandora and the kids try to guess which movie the song is from.
We play/watch a lot of baseball.
Dallin and Porter are both on All Stars which means baseball pretty much everyday.
Deeter has been obsessed with turning 5. He was on a strict countdown til the day before his big day (when we would make his Root Beer Float cake) and til his actual day.
He was not disappointed.
Kaia loves to wear lipstick and is so full of life, it seems that she could burst at any moment.