Not can't-get-out-of-bed sad. Just a lingering-in-the-shadows kind of sad.
I'm pretty sure I believe that every emotion has a purpose,
that the way we feel is meant to push us to action.
Even if that action is inaction.
just keep sitting, waiting, being patient, and letting time do it's thing.
Which is similar to holding a pose.
Doing "the chair" against a wall.
The inaction, holding still, non-movement exacts pain.
A clear burning in the thighs.
Yet the pain, brought on by the quietude, produces the strength.
I read this blog post about surrounding ourselves with people who bring light and goodness and positivity into our lives. And you best believe I was letting out an Amen sista while reading. I feel like that has been the greatest gift I got from turning 30. This idea of having people in my life that made me feel good about myself, that didn't make me question my every move, that didn't make me lose myself because of their dissatisfaction in me-- it finally resonated and had clarity and therefore I was able to more easily employ it. And inevitably the people who did accept me for me, and were quick to look over my flaws, they themselves were amazing people. Which naturally made me want to be a better person. And because I wasn't always second-guessing my every move/misstep/intention, I was freer to become a better person. Ridding myself of toxin was liberating, in every sense of the word.
That being said...
That being said, I'm a believer in God. I've always had religion, spirituality, call-it-what-you-want in my life, and I'm appreciative of that. I love examples from great people that have traversed life before me. I love the help of an all-knowing God who showers His wisdom unabashedly. I love the principles of love and hope and forgiveness. All of these facets make my life richer and more meaningful- hence my appreciation.
Yet sometimes I feel like all this religion, love, forgiveness, etc talk complicates things. A lot. Especially when put in context of surrounding myself with those exuding positivity. I can't help but think of those that I've distanced myself from and wonder, Maybe if I loved so and so more, things would be better. I can get into the mentality of thinking surely there is something I can do to change things, which I really don't know if that is always the case. Sometimes I get confused whether I'm wearing rose colored sunglasses and just think the world can be a place where we all get along OR if it really is supposed to do that way and my behavior- of not letting everyone into my close circle- is simply screwing up that plan.
I wrote about guilt here and definitely don't want guilt to take a hold of me, but I am trying to figure it out:
What is the balance of keeping yourself protected from people who make you feel not great about yourself while also following Christ's example of love?