Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Words Every Man Prays His Wife Hears

So sometimes I get called out for the "preemptive laugh." Like where I'm laughing before the joke/story has even been told bc I can already feel that it's going to be good.

Well, I'll have you know that I'm currently doing some preemptive chuckling as I'm thinking about writing this post. This is some good stuff, y'all!

First off, please meet Dr. Uzzi Reiss.
What you can't see in this picture:
 his bright green and blue glasses.
  his stand out height of 5 foot-ish.
You can't hear his adorable Israeli 
accent, where all the w's are 
pronounced as a v and things of the sort.
So, if you don't mind, please read with an accent.

Here goes.

So I sit my little self down in front of Dr. Reiss to talk about getting my hormones in check- my 2013 goal in case you were wondering. And, I kid you not, not THIRTY seconds later, homeboy wants to know how my sex drive is, aka my sex life. Well let's just skip the small chat why don't we. I'm a bit caught off guard but I know that hormones and sex drive are related so it sounds legit and I proceed to be all, "Well yeah things are fine but of course I would love more of a sex drive," confesses every tired, 30-something mama.

And this is precisely when he looks me dead in the eye and says, "I want you having sex four times a week." Now, at this point I'm not sure if I'm only momentarily gasping for breath, or possibly just choking on my spit. But there's some definite irregularities in both the heart beating and respiratory departments. And, not to mention, I am wildly sifting through my mental files, wondering if I mentioned to Yosh the specific name of the doctor I was going to and just how much money he paid doc to dish out this command.

Uzzi, he's a smart one, and he picks up on my reaction but is unphased.

"Vhat? I am 68 years old," he says with his hand over his heart. "My vife and I, at least--at least...4 or 5 times a veek."

And so the preacher had preached.
Or at least begun the sermon.

"Jou have vour children. Jou have, HAVE, to stay a family."

"Jou have to communicate. Jou tell him, 'Honey, I vould love to spend time vith you. But I have a lot of work. Jou help me and celebrate.' Jou must commicate. Jou tell him vhen jou're high, vhen jou're low."

Well forget the fact that I hadn't come for relationship help and that I had no idea I signed up for Marriage 101. I was sitting there soaking up pure wisdom like Sponge Bob Square Pants. Uzzi was dishing, y'all.

"Now....let me tell jou how it vorks. 2 nights a veek, jou initiate. He has to do vhatever jou tell him- a 20 minute massage, vhatever. 2 nights a veek, he initiates and jou have to do whatever he vants."
With that last statement, I am no longer wondering, I KNOW...Yosh has paid big bucks. Like possibly mortgaged our house money. These are bribed, dirty words falling from Dr. Uzzi's tongue.

But this Uzzi man, he's a professional. He knows how to seal the deal, to dissipate doubt, to cover the crime. And he did it with his, closing statement.

"Jou vill NEVER meet a divorced couple that vas having sex four times a veek. A dysfunctional couple? Yes. A divorced couple, NO."

How does one argue that?

You von, Uz, you von.

Care to argue??!

What do you think about this advice?
Do you agree? Disagree? Question?
K, now it's your turn to dish. And check out my Facebook feed for a little bit of comedy mixed in with solid sex advice.

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  1. hilarious. :) have you heard of the 7 day marriage challenge? a co-worker was talking about it the other day.

  2. Hilarious!! Love how you wrote it in an accent! So did he help you with hormones or is 4 times a week the 'cure all' ?

  3. 4X a week? that is only a monday and tuesday for Jenn and I! Will we have to sit on the sidelines the rest of the week once we hit that magical number 4 on Tuesday?!?! :)

  4. BAHAHA! That is awesome. And I think it's great that he has been married that long and is still having sex that often. I heard on the radio that the average couple has sex 3.2 times a month. I thought it seemed way low... but 4 times a week sounds pretty high too!

  5. the preemptive laugh HAHAHA!! LOVE THIS and I so know what you mean! Ok so this was fabulous. Esp the sex part.


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