Friday, December 28, 2012

What you didn't know about this year

I've been thinking about 2012 now that it's coming to it's end. And I'm appreciating this repetitive break in the calendar, where with the ending of each December we're invited to review the last calendar year. Usually I decline the invite, but not this time. Because when I stopped for only half a second to think, I got smacked in the head with a big wake up call....

Holy Hannah Montana, 2012 was wild.
I don't think I quite realized it.

Last week, our family was driving home from San Diego. We pointed out the exit where we rented a house for a couple weeks in 2011. My immediate response to that memory wasn't the beautiful pool that my sisters and nieces and nephews and I spent hours in. It wasn't the s'mores or that one amazing afternoon in Coronado. Of all the isolated memories within that two week time period that my mind could have focused on, they were all undermined by an eerie lingering feeling that accompanied me that vacation.

I instantly remembered the anxiety.
Where I looked completely calm on the outside but was moments away from an even more complete breakdown on the inside.

2012 was mostly dedicated to my unsettling insides growing at a rapid pace. How do you describe anxiety? Inside my mind was going a million miles an hour, questioning every {non}decision I tried to make- from whether to have oatmeal or toast for breakfast to whether or not I was going to take my kids to the beach. These minuscule, unimportant decisions tortured me. My mind would play the scenarios on repeat, never landing on a decision. Even when I told myself a million times it didn't matter, or begged myself to just leave it alone. Other times I would be engaged in a conversation with someone whose company I thoroughly enjoyed....but was absolutely miserable. Go ahead and say it....I was going crazy.

I wasn't at all happy with my state of mind and so began my mission. I was going to figure some things out. I'd always said life is too short to not be happy. It was time to put money where my mouth was. And so I started working at solving this issue- getting a babysitter to help me a few hours a week, trying to figure things out with my hormones, cutting out caffeine, and finally going to a therapist. This therapist...I sat down with her on our first meeting, with a big ole smile on my face, looking relaxed as a bathing baby. She asked why I was there to see her. And with my lips still turned up, I confessed, "Well, I've just been so anxiety-ridden and I have no idea why." This wasn't the first time I had confessed my burden. I had always gotten the same response, "But you don't ever look or seem anxious. That's surprising to me." But Suzanne's response was the beginning of something new. She mirrored my own smile and responded equally calmly, "You are, aren't you? I can feel your anxiety." And there it was....someone understood me. 

That was in August. Oh Holy August. I think I might break out in song right now. How about some "Hallelujah!" because that's when I started feeling the sunshine again. 
last minute trip to Miraval

a Chels and Gay trip to Sea World and Coronado

a fun little shin dig where I danced as if nobody was watching. Too bad that wasn't the reality.....

a last minute trip to Phoenix with some of my favorite girls. Got to see my favorite boys. Well, after my husband. And sons.
August was the beginning of something new and wonderful. Like a rebirth. A rebirth of something bigger and better. I started following little dreams instead of talking myself out of them as was my habit. Holy moly, I started living life. At an elevated level. So..... August may have been a bit of an expensive month as well!
{I saw this somewhere around that time, and let me tell ya, it had me in fits of laughter more than one time!}

Some day, one post at a time, we'll address August and it's intimate miracles. 
Driving past that exit last week- the marker of that memory- I think it hit me so hard because of the contrast. 

That time at the rental house was the beginning stages of  becoming plagued by anxiety.
But now? I no longer feel that way. My anxiety has dissipated.

This year has been an amazing lesson about life. I've always considered myself a quitter- I'm not afraid to give anything a try. But... I'm also not afraid to quit anything. I'm learning that's not true. The things that I'm not willing to give up on- because I am willing to give up on a lot of things- they must mean a whole heck of a lot to me. I've learned this year how much I value my....happiness. And mental state-- this mama don't wanna be crazy just yet!

2012 has been a great summation of what life is about- you live and you learn and you decide to grow and once you think you're all done and learned and grown out....well, get ready, because you're about to have your world rocked again!

I'm getting all warm and fuzzy at the end of this post and feel like throwing out some I love you's and giving everybody a full on hug-- not a side hug. So before we go there, I'm gonna stop. But know that I love sharing life with you and my therapist bill would be a lot higher if I didn't have this blog!
 I have some good vibes about 2013. If I had to put my predictions into a picture, it would look something like this....

and say something about,
All night long, baby...I got your number
all. night. long.

And I'm out...have a good weekend, y'all!
xoxo, gizay


  1. I have several friends who visit a therapist and love it! Maybe I need to find myself one :)

  2. Gay, thanks for being so brave and letting it all out. I relate a little too much to this post...would love to chat about it all sometime. _mariah


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