Friday, December 14, 2012

How to Lose 5 lbs in one day-- this is not a hoax

And believe you me when I say you'll be working hard for that 5 pound weight loss.
But really that's not what this post is about.
It's about equal rights. Putting us all on the same playing field. Even though God created it so that {some} women alone carry babies, He cut the pie evenly and made sure each and every one of us would have the experience of labor. Or something equally porpotionate.
food poisoning.
Available to the man and woman alike, the fertile and infertile, the baby hungry and the baby aversionist alike.
Holy mamma jamma, have you ever been attacked my these pains?
Just as labor, it starts out as a slow, questionable pain.
Did I just get punched in the stomach or... am I getting sick?
It'll probably just go away. There's no way I'm getting sick.
So it really hurts to move...anything. Is this normal?
Well, yesterday, by 3:00, when I could barely walk down to the tennis courts to pick up the boys, all these questions were answered....
Yes, you are sick.
And let me tell you, once I surrendered and accepted my destiny, it was all over. First, I was resigned to the couch, eyes closed, deathly still. Do we need to talk about the fact that even the most minute movement feels like...
well, like you just got your booty kicked by Jackie Chan.
Ease up, Jackie, I was simply adjusting.
At some point, as I was in and out of conciousness, I hear my life saver being thrown out to me in the form of the voice of the Yosh Train himself.
At 4:30 pm.
Unheard of y'all. To have that man in our house a such an hour never happens.
But he came to my rescue.
(He loves me!)
He quickly corraled and loaded up the kids- who were thankfully all alive despite their negligent mother- and hauled them off for a night of fun.
In n Out and Candy Cane Lane takes the cake any day of the week.
With all the crew out of the house, there was no more delaying the inevitable.
I slowly made my way up to my bed, waiting for the pains to increase, getting scareder and scareder as the cramping intensified.
And finally....
it was time.
I loathingly make my way to the bathroom,
seated on the throne, holding the trash can in my hands.
With only two exit routes possible, it is definitely necessary to cover all your bases.
Bout one comes, with tears running down the face, trying to breathe through the contractions, keeping calm when I swear I'm not breathing, and then....
The trash can is filled.
I survived.
I made it back to my bed. Knowing this wasn't the end, but thankful for the reprieve.
And sure enough, it wasn't the end.
Bout two.
And then three.
And let me tell you, I was ready to die at this point.
At this junction, we do have a difference between labor and food poisoning because
my gosh
where was my epidural last night when I needed it?
Motrin, Tylenol, Advil... huh uh.
Nothing is coming close to touching the pain.
Not a thing.
That is all you can do.
And if I'm being honest, I'm pretty disappointed in this picture. You don't accurately see the wild hair, the black eyes with smudged mascara everywhere in a formation that clearly only tears and watery eyes are capable of making. Not to mention a pale face.
And after the fact, when it's all done, labor over {and no baby...} can I tell you about the thirst? Like I thought I was going to DIE  if I didn't get orange juice NOW. I only needed a few sips. Or so I thought.
16 ounces later I was begging Yosh to run downstairs and get me one of those little mini cans of Sprite to mix with the OJ. He returned promptly and as he was mid pour, I was almost getting the shakes imagining this same concoction BUT...with cranberry juice!
Seriously, does that not sound like quenching heaven for a parched girl?
OJ, Sprite, and cranberry juice.
Alas...I didn't have the nerve to ask for yet another favor.
And anyways, are "cravings" still legit post-birthing?
Es posible.
So back to the point of this post,
if you baby-birthing-mamas are getting sick of an unsympathetic individual in your life, do not be afraid to do the deed... sneak a little something rotten into their dinner.
 And then see how unsypathetic they are.
PS Although I never weighed myself at the beginning nor end of the day yesterday, I think it's safe to say, that FINALLY, 1 year and 23 months later,
I'm back down to my pre-pregnancy weight!!!!!
{until I start eating again.....}


  1. Brings back awful memories of last years thanksgiving...still can't eat the Arby's roast burger. (shudder)

  2. Oh gosh girl! You sound like you had a day like Dee and dev.... Just plain miserable! I am glad you are feeling better!!


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