You should never have to defend your love for your children.
Or your equality of love.
That being said, it's been a question that has roamed around in my conscience for the last little bit.
Because right now, I feel differently towards Kaia than I do the other kids.
And, as is my trained first reaction to most things in life, I felt guilty about it.
But, generally speaking, I'm learning to step back and really access my feelings before letting guilt take a hold and smash the authenticity of my emotions.
And when I squashed the guilt of being afraid that I favored Kaia over the other kids, I latched onto what I really feel towards that little baby angel. And it's this...
Kaia fascinates me in nearly everything she does.
Pregnancy, child-birth, child rearing....all of these processes and events, while different and uniquely individual, seem to take a similar toll on us women-- they make us forget. We can't remember doctor appointments, or people's names, or how much it hurt to push that baby out, or what sleepless nights really feel like. We leave the house without diapers, we forget to invite a mama-to-be to her own baby shower, we show up at cash registers without our wallets. Our brain cells get zapped and we are left to navigate busy schedules and be responsible for numerous lives with only a portion of our memory. This phenomenon is a double-edged sword that causes both the most frustrating, but yet the most entertaining moments in our lives.
I dare you not to laugh at yourself. That's not me casting the challenge, it's God. He knows laughter is the best medicine and He's not afraid to strategically place it in our lives, knowing that we would most likely forfeit doing it if it were left to ourselves.
But this notion of forgetting, it's not a total curse. Especially for those mamas having more than one baby.
And I think this is what has caused this keen fascination with Kaia.
Kaia looks dead into my eyes with a serious look and says,
"Mom....this is AWEsome."
And I'm taken aback. I don't think I've ever heard something so adorable in my life. Which forces me to survey my foggy past. My other kids....did they say things like this when they were 20 months? Is this what their little selves sounded like as they were embarking on the entertaining journey of word formation? Are those the words they chose as some of their first? Did my heart patter like this when I heard it? Did I spend anxiety-filled moments hoping that they would spontaneously say it again?
Because this is what I feel toward Kaia.
And I can't imagine having felt the way I feel in that moment- so full, so intoxicated- and then forgetting it.
Do I feel it because she's extra special, and my guilty current favorite child?
Or is it because I've never heard a baby girl say such things?
Or is because I simply can't remember.
I'm completely out of touch with my one year old Dallin B, my one year old Porter, and Deeter. I simply can't remember.
Although it's all a big fat lie, I feel like I'm experiencing it all for this first time.
Which makes me just sit and watch. And stare.
As she throws her head back to get a good belly laugh instead of screaming at her brothers when they tease her.
As she demands, "Mom. Come." And leads me directly to the treat jar where I have no choice but to give the baby girl two little sweets.
As she coyly looks at nearly every man that enters her space and gives a little giggle, emitting the secret that she's crushing.
As she imitates our coughs, our laughs, our sneezes.
Is this all as supernatural as it feels to me, or have I merely forgotten the magic in this age?
Maybe the forgetting is more than just to frustrate or entertain us.
Maybe it's to gift us the luxury of new.
Of feeling like we're experiencing something for the first time.
The gift of falling in love with child number four the same way I did with one, two, and three.
Of feeling like the world revolves around them in a way that it does/did for no other.
To let them swoon our hearts as if it's never been done before.
Whatever the case, the reasoning, the favoring...
I'm currently completely fascinated by my Kaia Marie.