Monday, August 6, 2012

{Massage for Dummies}

Thailand 2008: worst trip ever.

How's that for a bad attitude?

I was SO SO excited to plan mine and Yosh's first big trip. We were finally gonna live it up. Act on dreams. Make it happen.

With three weeks to spare, I booked the trip. In that three week limbo time…..I found out I was pregnant. That meant a 14 hour flight eating pretzels to scare off the nausea. That meant a week of eating Caesar salad 2 times a day instead of experiencing local food. That meant not wanting Yosh to touch me. That meant being terribly- HORMONALLY- homesick for my kids. That meant an instantaneous gagging reflux every time someone said "Thailand" for the next 4 months.

But, don't fret-- amidst the disappointment were a few hidden gems.

One of those…$7/hour Thai massages. For both the Yosh and I. Side by side in some ghetto little tent with {dirty?!!} mattresses lining the floor. Best moment ever is that little Thai lady getting a good, strong hold on 6 foot 3 inch Yosh and gathering all she had, while prepping with a "one…..two…….THREE." And with that final broken-English muttered "ta-ree", she used the momentum she'd been building up through the old-fashioned rocking motion and rolled his big ole body into the next stretch! Hi-larious. No way around it. Real time laughing. Even the cute little Thai ladies accompanied us with an audible giggle. And don't think we haven't been laughing about this ever since. It's one of those random chuckle memories.

The best value I've ever gotten out of a mere $7.

So what do I remember about a Thai massage? $7/hr and laughing. But that's about all. 

Well, four years later, up popped the opportunity for another Thai massage.

Ummmm, now can we for real talk about Thai massages??? What is going on with them? Refresh my memory….are massages supposed to be relaxing or….PAINFUL?

So I, an INNOCENT spa-goer, enter room 12 with Ricky-Rick who is all zenned out in his black threads and soft voice. He tells me to lay down and he then kneels at my feet. His hands ceremoniously go to the prayer pose where he invites me to join him in a deep breath. Just like a clueless 5 year old, I ask him if I too need to strike the prayer pose? Or can I just lay flat on my back as I'm currently doing? He gives me permission to make that choice. I opt to stay as I am. And let me tell you one reason why… is AWKWARD to have your hands in prayer pose while laying flat on your back.  

You guys, do you think I offended him? Is that a possibility?

I think I pissed him off because after that……things changed. That's the only way I know how to put it.

Because make no mistake that I got my butt KICKED for the next 70 minutes.

Little Mr Rick meticulously ladders his hands up my leg with zen-like movements and then….BOOMTIME….he's got one of my legs triangled to the other, and then ditches all semblance of zen-like anything as he lifts by bent leg and forcefully pushes it towards my shoulder and then starts moving it towards the floor. My eye balls triple in size, boldly standing up for me and cussing this man out for his audacious infliction of discomfort.

Unfortunately, my eye lids stay closed and Rick doesn't get the message. 

I remind myself that surely something good is coming out of this. It must get better. Maybe I'm just, I don't know, focusing wrong. That must be it. I'm gonna shift my focus, adjust my attitude, and this is gonna feel GOOD.

But here's the problem. Every time somethings starts to feel good….it is quickly followed by PAIN.

And this is when I start getting mad. I am still laying on my back, Rick has crossed by arms all crazy-like and then picks one up and pulls until my upper body is barely is off the ground. And then….and THEN….he starts swinging me. I'm on a good 100 degree swing, like a poor rag doll. In my mind I'm talking big, "Wait….I paid for this, right? So I can walk out anytime I want, RIGHT? I don't HAVE to lay here and be victim to what I'm SURE is some kind of gang initiation or something."   

But I'm timid, ya'll. I can not find it in me to let this man know that I am DONE being tortured. That I've had enough. That I'm HURTING. That I am too weak for his massage. I can not find my voice to yell STOP THE VIOLENCE. And here I am, falling victim to the vicious cycle. Perpetuating it, if you will.

And just when I decide I'm ready to DIE……Rick stops. It's over. He retires his zang, pulls out his zen, and says- barely above a whisper,"How was it?"

How was it? I mean, how does one respond to that?

"Oh well….I guess I've never had a REAL Thai massage…."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it was just a bit different. Like it kinda hurt..." I say, letting out a few {nervous} giggles.

"Oh was I too rough?"

"Oh no, no, no. Just it really stretched me." Here this man dang near assaulted me and I'm practically apologizing to him. Twisted, very twisted.

"Yea, well, Thai massages have also been called Lazy Man's Yoga."

No wonder I don't do yoga.

And I just got called lazy.

And every part of my body hurts.

And this was no $7 massage.

I believe in the power of prayer. I should've started with the prayer. I wrote my own destiny when I didn't strike the prayer pose. 


  1. ah shiz Gay this had me rolling!! Thai Massage = no RELAXATION and don't ever do shakra cause that's = not as relaxing it involves energy work and a lot of awkward staring.
    i have the perfect image of Rick in my mind and i love it

    1. i know, cam. hook a girl up with a relaxing facial or something!

  2. The tears, they just keep flowing. So. Good.

  3. For someone who was trying to convince us go with her another time, you aren't doing a great job...climbing telephone towers and paying for abuse...

    1. oh did i make it sound like it was this weekend?!! i would never do that to you,laura! i swear there is no pain and no telephone poles!!! (ok so maybe i don't swear...)


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