Wednesday, July 25, 2012

You are what you Eat

I'm not one to really get involved in world events, news, politics, things of the such. I don't know if it's conscious or not.

But this weekend I decided to let that certain national event soak in instead of hastily shewing away yet another sad story.

I remember Columbine. I remember my thoughts heading in the direction of my little sister. I'm sure she doesn't even know this. But I thought, "How can my little sister continue in public education? This is too dangerous. There is no haven. There is no safety." I was scared. And my reaction Get out while you can. Don't put yourself at risk.

And here we are, not all that long after Columbine, facing a similar tragedy. Even though it seems not all that long ago, my life has changed vastly in these years. I am no longer a wandering teenager, responsible for me and only me. I no longer carry the innocence of not knowing what it is like to love another human being at such an intense, vulnerable level- being a mother has shattered that innocence. This depth has completely shifted my views- my capabilities- on a lot of subjects.

I was contemplating bailing on our Friday night date to the movie- obvi which one we were gong to see. Yosh had been giddy as a guinea pig to see The Dark Knight Rises. Or is it The Dark Night? Details, details. Anyway, I was skeptical because I was SCARED. Plain and simple. Did I think our theater was going to get shot up? I mean, probably not or I wouldn't have gone. But my faith was a bit ragged. I questioned every single person who stood up during the movie. And then I sat for three hours watching this dark, dark script. And I got the same twitchy reaction I used to get when I'd spend hour after hour, night after night, watching 24. Why in the world are we giving all the Crazies out there more ideas? This notion stressed me out, that we were feeding the crazy people of this world with these options of how to disrupt peace, how to be crazy.

And when I hear about shootings such as the one in Aurora, I also instantly begin assuming that another Crazy has just heard the story and is planning how he/she can get away with the same thing, if not something bigger and better. In my mind, it's this vicious cycle of feeding the Crazies.

Yet, after my exasperated reaction and that familiar feeling of hopelessness and pessimism, I realized that I have changed since Columbine. Not because of Columbine. Because of the passing of time. The maturing with age. The depth of my experience poll.

My underlying resolution is no longer to RUN, to HIDE, to discount the existence of safety and havens. This realization came as I analyzed my own reaction to both the movie and the Aurora shootings. To the extreme opposite of how I assumed all the Crazies were reacting {ie: plotting their next kill}, I was re-harnessing my commitment to give myself, my family, my circle of influence....goodness. I had that prickling at the heart that automatically shakes and shimmies and finally shifts your totem pole of priorities into an order than reflects real importance. This crushing tragedy and dark movie resuscitated my desire to both inject and find good in the world, if even just on the small scale known as my life. I want to stand for good...

As desperately as the Crazies are looking for evil.

And I think I'm coming to believe something in life, about life: we get what we want out of it. So be careful what we're looking for.

A single event can influence one person to take that last step over the edge. That same event, for a different person, can act as a catalyst to give love another chance.

To have the strength to get up and raise my kids everyday, I have to believe that good is innately in them, hungrily waiting to be fed. I have to believe that the majority of humankind is trying to feed good, as well. Other wise, it's too depressing, too scary.

So today I choose love and goodness. That's what I'm looking for and I know I can find that influence. 


  1. so well said! i felt the exact same way! Completely anxiety ridden the entire movie. I watched every single person that walked in that door...every single person the left. During every gun shot and "dark" moment during the movie I was overcome with anxiety. And I thought the same thing...are we just helping people become more corrupt.
    But then I thought, movies or no movies...there are always going to be corrupt and evil people out there...and they will search it out no matter if it's in plain sight or they have to dig. They will find it. And the same goes with good. Light attracts light. I think that's why it's so important to teach our kids to recognize when they are having bad feelings or do feel "right" about something so they can stay clear of those situations and want to be around good people/homes/movies/ etc. because they have been taught.
    I don't know if any of that made sense....My brain is mush today. Moral of the story...I totally agree with what you said :)

  2. Okay. Same here. We went to the movie that same night and we are a mere 30 min away. Needless to say there was basically no one there. There was about 5 cop cars guarding the place, which makes ya feel better but worse at the same time. I literally thought something was going to happen. Andrew had been waiting for months for this movie, so I went under peer pressure. Nonetheless, movies are fun and some idiot can't ruin that for us. Loved the post.


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