Wednesday, April 25, 2012

0 to 58 in 2.2

I remember the abhorred look Yosh gave me this one day at the beginning of our marriage when I suggested we quickly park in a handicap spot. In fact, I think more accurately the situation was I suggested he park in the handicap spot while I ran into the grocery store solo.The look I got resembled something similar to the look I would give a child molester who volunteered to babysit my children. For free.

I mirrored that look right back to Mr Yoshtrain McGain Hansen like he'd just refused a Papa John's pepperoni pizza with a side of cheese sauce instead of the garlic butter for the small price of jay-walking to go get it. Had he really never parked in a handicap spot? Was it that morally wrong that the mere thought of it made him cringe? Heaven forbid 10 handicap people pull up within the exact 7 minute window I'd be gone and find themselves out of handicap-luck. And that equally miraculously, Yosh wouldn't have the foresight to move the car after 9 of them were filled. And that out of all those 10 handicappers, they were all actually handicapped and incapable of making the stroll to the front door. {That being said I'd be absolutely TICKED if somehow fate landed a handicap sign into my healthy body's hands and I wasn't able to find a spot...}

Well, all I have to say, is put that one in the category of "agree to disagree."

Yosh might gargle the D-word a time or two when he reads this public confession but here's reality....I'll be parking illegally on a regular basis. We're talking 7-10 times a week, ya'll. Yes, that often. And not just handicap spots. I don't discriminate against fire lanes, passenger loading zones, 'no parking here' areas, etc. Now before you go thinking I'm a complete a-hole, we're talking brief moments of illegal parking- ranging from 30 seconds to 3 minutes max- while I run in and pick up kids. I don't pull up to TJMaxx and park in the fire lane just because.

In my narrow mind, this concept shouldn't be so foreign and confusing for my sweet husband to understand. It's all about risk management, isn't it? Ok, maybe not risk management. We'll stop at just risk. And add reward. He gets the idea of risk: throw $100 into an investment with hope that it comes back to him looking more like $120. That there is risk. In fact, a risk my conservative-self is very uncomfortable with. Probably because my experience base only offers scenarios where I throw in $100... and come out owing another $100. Or more often, I throw in $100 and it comes back.... in the form of 5 meals from Cafe Vida. My $100 has never come back with an extra $20 tacked on. So no, I don't get it, even though I get it. But he definitely gets it, and is committed to that concept, which is why I have been next to cut out of our investment decisions and he continues to try out a thing or two. Even after a LOSS.

If you were to ask me, my parking decisions are derived from the exact same concept that he supports: risk and reward. I can't be a complete  conservative. I am risking save minutes. Because my alternative choice is to go park my car in a designated parking spot, which would require circling my non-parking-friendly neighborhood streets, looking for that ONE open spot. After finding it, I would have to go through the process of unloading and juggling my extra baggage- aka 1-3 kids- and making our way to pick up area which always turns into an "adventure." And adventures these days guarantee no less than 2 demonic meltdowns. And, as expected, demonic meltdowns are only treated by intricate exorcisms. All this has to happen before we're able to make the round trip BACK to the car.

That would require the very thing I'm working on saving....TIME. Like I said, I am risking seconds- 30 to 180- to save minutes. Mucho minutes. {Ok, and sanity.}

Now I'm not at all suggesting that everyone should subscribe to my philosophy. In fact, please don't. Like everything else, illegal parking spots are chained to supply and demand. If more of you decided to jump on this band wagon, it would put my whole scheme at risk. Not a 'risk and reward' kind of risk, but a different type of risk: obliteration, as illegal parking spots would no longer be available. It'd make me feel like a handicap-sign owner showing up to a parking lot with no empty handicap spots... I'd be ticked.

And just for argument sake, let's do the math. We'll take the low end, the conservation approach. Parking illegally 7 times a week x 40 weeks a year x 2 years. If I were to get a $58 parking ticket, that would simply put each illegal parking experience at about 10 cents a piece. And let me tell you my time is worth MUCH MORE than 10 cents. Don't even try to argue that one.

When it's out like that, there is no risk. It's actually more economical as I'd have to feed the meter more than a dime. And anyways, this isn't about's about time. And you don't even have to stop for parking tickets, so no time is at risk. parking decisions are nothing short of genius.

Even after a LOSS.

I don't know. How do you justify getting a parking ticket?


  1. You're crazy lady!!! I avoid illegal parking like the plague and I STILL get nailed with nasty tickets!! Including a $150 ticket for "parking" in a "no stop" zone dowtown when I actually was picking up my husband who was desperartly trying to jump into my slowly moving/not completely stopped car (I guess pulling over is the same thing as parking??). Went to court for that one and still had to pay it because Dave said all the WRONG things in his testimony despite my careful coaching beforehand....

    So you can keep your illegal spots cuz I get enough tickets no matter what I do!! :(

  2. I just love this picture. Way to be proud of yourself!

  3. You are brilliant AND hilarious! That is such a good argument that I have already started brainstorming when and where I put this theory into play. I don't know that I can actually do the handicap parking...not quite brave enough for that one yet! Have a great one! ~Laura

  4. lol! we have the same arguments, he always parks in the handicap parking and leaves me in the car waiting. a sitting duck. i hate it and half the time i climb over the console and park somewhere the off limits fire line.


Don't hate. Participate. Conversate.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...