Monday, February 6, 2012


I like swimming. Has always been a favorite of mine. Not like swimming laps, just swimming. I might even love it.

For being an activity I love so much, I find it ironic that swimming can also trigger a rapid, intense panic in me like no other. It happens when someone dunks me and holds me under the water. I hate that. Immediate panic. It also happens when falling off a raft before I could swim. The temporary fear from when I was 4 years old is still real. The threat of no air defines maximum anxiety in my book.

The way I feel about swimming, I feel pretty similar about being a mom.

Yesterday I feel like I spent my whole day being held under water. And I felt that panic, that desperation for air. Where love gets lost in desperation for survival.Where drowning is only a single, tempting breath away, threatening with every passing heart beat.

I know it will be ok. Somehow it always is.

In fact, I'm swimming again today. The oxygen filling my lungs is crisp and present.

But that doesn't erase the realness of drowning I felt yesterday. Or the fact that Deeter is still screaming a whole lot today. In a couple hours, air might be a fading mirage.


  1. I LOVE this analogy! LOVE IT...I have those days too often right now...I love being a mom but man it sure does offer up some days where survival seems just out of reach. And I love your blog, too. (I'm a friend of the Nielsens, found your blog through theirs and immediately identified with you as I have 3 boys and then the princess arrived by surprise.)

    1. Glad you found the blog! With your family dynamics everything probably sounds all too familiar!

  2. I can remember having those days! What do I mean 'having'? I still get them at times, but for different reasons. When I had 4 little boys barely 3 and under, I felt it ALL the time. One day I got a card in the mail from Gloria, who knew I was having a hard time. At the bottom of the card she told me she loved me and wrote, 'remember, they said 'and it came to pass'... not to stay.' Sometimes we just have to find the air bubble, breathe in as deeply as we can, and keep on going!


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