Monday, February 27, 2012

Chess Piece

Ever since January 20, 2011 I've been losing my #1 spot to a little miss in our house one boy at a time. A couple months ago, Porter came up to me and nonchalantly was all, "Mom, you're not my favorite girl. Kaia is." This wasn't mid fight, this wasn't in response to a question. It was simply an FYI he was throwing out.

Maybe it's Kaia's cuteness that throws me out of contending or maybe it's my slacking on things like taking the kids to the park and library. Unfortunately it's just not my thing. But I'll be trying to show off every now and then, win a point or two, and such was the case last week when I decided to take the big boys to the library. Desperation was what really landed me there. We had so much dang homework to catch up on that I thought the library- known for studying and productivity, right?- was the place to make it happen without distraction.

This isn't the original reason I avoided the library, but I'll remember it for next time it sounds like a good idea. Dallin B went all rebellious on me at the library. He didn't want to have anything to do with writing, reading, or anything else that resembled homework. And he wasn't using the recommended hushed voice to tell me so. Nor was I using the hushed voice to let him know that his booty wasn't moving from that library chair until he accomplished a little reading and writing.

The scolding interchanged with the forced, fake, over-the-top smile to the mom at the next table was hypocrisy at it's best. It could all be summed up with embarrassing. It was nothing less than.
We left our problem hour and the library- all miraculously wearing smiles- only to return to both. Porter refused to listen and was playing hard ball on whatever the issue was {such an important one and somehow I can't even recall what is was, shockingly.} I jumped on the hard ball band wagon and told him if he didn't pull it together, I was going to march my booty back to the library and return his book and movie he had picked out. Well, three strikes later, that's exactly what I found myself doing- the dreaded walk to the return box.

That move about sent Porter over the top. He was seated on the grass, in a pile of boogers and tears, devastated, refusing to move any further until we went back and got his book and movie. I was boiling and told him FINE, I'm walking home, that he could sit there for as long as he wanted. Now internally I was having a major battle. I was trying to figure out if I was overreacting or not and trying to tell myself to simmer and PARENT UP. But you know, when you're at boiling point, telling yourself to simmer is like trying to tell yourself to stop peeing midstream. It is completely counter intuitive, your whole body is against you, and it is painful to even attempt. It's not meant to be. And simmering wasn't meant to be in this stand-off.

So Porter was planted firmly on his ground and I was walking with Dallin by my side, faking commitment to this plan to walk home... AFTER getting a snack. From a place that I could conveniently still see Porter. Dallin asked to play liaison and go see if he could get Porter to come with us. I shrugged my shoulders and was all, "Well you can try," while I really had every crossable thing  crossed and double crossed that Dallin would find a way to PLEASE get Porter to walk home with us.  Dallin took off to do his negotiating while I was inside delightfully discovering- and simultaneously horrified- that they had fountain Coke Zero. How long had this been here without me knowing? With my fountain CZ and two donuts- just in case sheer luck had it that I had two boys I needed snacks for- I walked out the door just in time to meet Dallin running up to me.

"Ok, he said he'd walk home with us. BUT....he's going to plug his ears and say 'You're the worst mom ever' the whole way home. Is that ok?"

Beggars can't be choosers, right? And he was compromising so I had to give a little too, right? "Fine. Just tell him to come on."

Dallin darted off to deliver the accepted negotiation and made it back to me before Porter. I asked him how he got him to come.

"Oh, I told him he'd never see Kaia again if he sat there forever."

That simple. Kaia owns the #1 spot. Guess I'll accept being sloppy second. And meanwhile I'm gonna get to practicing my stop-peeing-midstream skills.


  1. That is so hilarious. I want to know if he really said it the whole way home. Because that would really be sticking to his guns. He sounds a lot like me when I was a kid. I laughed out loud while reading this and chase made me tell him the story.

  2. Tessa just asked me why I was laughing too! I love it!

  3. Great post! I love knowing Im not alone and that I'm not the only mom who has been deserted for the other female in the house

  4. Laura he stuck to his guns. And we still weren't on talking terms when we got home. He wasn't just mad, his feelings were legitimately hurt. Today when unpicked him up from school I came w a peace offering- the book and movie from the library. Kady and Erin I'm sure u can relate to this all too well! Well u know, the number 2 spot part!

  5. That is awesome! Laughing out loud...sometimes they're too smart for their own good!

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