Thursday, December 29, 2011

Denim Wars

I was walking through Target last week, allegedly finishing up my Christmas shopping, when I spotted these blue pants. Some might call them 'electric blue', but I termed them 'royal winter blue'. For 22 bucks and a name like that, they instantly became a must-have.  I took a mid-range size and was eye-balling it for fit. You know, holding them up to my waist, kinda laying them flat against my hips, trying to gauge if they hit a halfway mark. Why didn't I just try them on you ask? Oh NEWSFLASH: Moms with 4 kids don't try clothes on. No, I didn't have the kids with me but that's besides the point. I gave them a once over, shrugged my shoulders, and called it good.

Until I was in my closet getting dressed.... And then I was in my closet dancing. No no no, there was no music. I couldn't step into my I was gonna dance my way into them. And in that very second I found myself in my high school days.......

It's a typical Saturday night, Taneal and I are at my house getting ready to go out. We're trying on one outfit and then the next and then the next.... because surely there's bound to be one that's going to make us shine. There's one last hope.
"Here, try on these jeans. They'd look good."
"There's no way these will fit me."
"Ahhhhhh, come on, just trrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy."
And so it begins.
One leg first. And then the other. They slide right on.......until we reach the thigh.
"Well....just start jumping."
It starts off with little baby hops until it progresses to full-on kangaroo jumps.....with little budge.
"OK, .........lay on the bed. Get all stretched out and then pull them up."
We're going for pancake flatness. "Just suck in as far as you can."
Breathing is halted, cheeks are puffed out, belly's in......and they're moving. THEY'RE MOVING!
"OKAY, OKAY....we got this!"
The adrenaline's pumping, blood's back to flowing, we've just got one more teeny hill to climb.........they need to be zipped. And buttoned......
"So..........let's see....I got it. Start doing squats......... Nope, that's not gonna cut it. We need deeeeeeeeeeeep squats..... There you go, there you go, like that."
We're counting these babies out and when we think we've gained just enough stretch....we go for it. We're gonna button them.
"No, you need to pull a little more. Suck in....... SUCK IN MORE.......Well at least try to zip them... OK BREATHE, my gosh you're turning purple."
But not in vain......the zipper gives a little. But not a lot. And that's when we's time to call for reinforcement. We're not going to be able to do this alone. This is the last-ditch effort.
"Get the squirt bottle."
We scramble around til we find it. We fill that baby up with water, and hold our breath. More so than before. Because this is our last chance.
"Ok.... I'm ready."
We start with a few spritzes, easing into the process. Then we add some gentle stretching. Mixed with more spritzing. Gearing up to move towards.........the deep squats. With simultaneous sprays. The denim's giving. That strong, stubborn material is loosening it's grip....on the thighs....and then the booty. And then it's time.........
"Ready for magic?" One big breath in, one lightening-quick fastening motion..... finds the button securely- SECURELY- in the button hole.
"You good?"
"Yeah, I'm good."
With that, we grab our purses and are out the door without a glance backwards.

I'll tell you what....they just don't make jeans like they used to. They're not built for the moving and shaking they used to endure and all this movement was necessary just to get them over my.....ankles. Must be the  'ultra-deluxe-skinny jeans' or something like that. But I had no time to mess around. After we got passed the ankles, I gave those royal winter blues the yank of a lifetime and had them securely- SECURELY- around my waist in no time flat. Only to discover an inconspicuous hole right by the zipper. The perfect excuse to send these dang things back where they came from..............{after I got a good couple of wears out of them.....}


  1. Lol. Be careful girlie I have a co-worker that got a nasty arm break while trying to wiggle into some skinny jeans! Worth it???

  2. I never bought jeans I had to squeeze into until you helped me figure out what size I wore!

  3. I had forgotten about the Squirt bottle! I must say, I ROCKED those jeans...even if they were 4 sizes too small. Even more hilarious is the fact that this is still occurring. During my visit in March, you helped me get my shine on by putting me in a pair of your jeans. Although the Squirt and the squats were missing this time!!!!!!!! Thanks for the laughs Gizay! Love Taneal

  4. I'm just glad you didn't also rip your shirt in the process, that would be MUY embarrassing.


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