Monday, June 13, 2016

One of a million Crossroads

You know those blog posts that start out, "I don't even know if I'll actually push publish on this post buuutttt..."
I actually find that opening quite annoying. Obviously you're going to post it, you pushed publish and didn't edit out the opening line.
And yet in this moment I'm tempted to have that same cliche as my start. And truth be told, I more or less did start like that. I just wussed out by quoting the generic instead of claiming the cliche as my own. 
I think what all those writers are really feeling, as am I, is, "This feels like a vulnerable post to me for whatever reason. Therefore, it makes me nervous/scared to push publish yet I have this desire to be honest and share."
At least that's how I feel.
I'm in this stage of life where I'm trying to cross thresholds and add different experiences in my daily life to up the quality. For the last 11 years, my time, energy, and desires have been monopolized my mothering, which is just how I wanted it. The last two years have represented a shift in demand and therefore... time, energy, and desire. I've known something new was on the brink (or needed to be is probably better said...) but wasn't jumping.
And before I get no one too excited, let me add a spoiler alert-- there's no big news, no big opportunity at the end of this story.
But the last two years have been filled with me wanting something new and different added to my daily. In the more recent months, I've been thinking more in specifics as to what I want to do and have even filled out one application and dreamt out loud about ideal jobs. A month ago I signed up for a photography class as this could be one component in the big picture of some things I'd like to eventually do. I've been so proud of myself for starting a journey. It's been soooooo refreshing to be in an instructional setting and feel like I'm learning and being challenged in a different role again. It's been encouraging to confront one of my innate weaknesses of entering a course of action without really knowing the end result. It's breathed new life into me allowing myself to explore without an expected outcome.
All that said, I'm at this crossroads however many weeks later. I'm halfway through the photography course and feel pretty discouraged. I don't feel like I'm picking up on the techniques/principles either at all or as quickly as I'd like?? Don't know which one it is and I feel this very real crossroad is begging the question, "So are you going to give up? Because you don't have automatic natural talent? Are you not willing to work hard to become good at something?" Because meshed in that rhetorical character -nagging question is a truth that is not an original thought to me-- everything new has a learning curve. Learning anything new takes a lot of work, a lot of failure, a lot of "this isn't really all that fun" time being invested.
And apparently-- as previously suspected-- I hate this part of the journey. I think I've encountered this part of a journey many times and have pretty much floundered and said, "Forget it, this isn't for me." Whatever the current "this" may have been.
So now I'm at the point where I could say that, but the nagging truth is just that-- nagging. Reminding me that I can go ahead and quit but that whatever I determine to put my efforts in, I'm going to face these exact feelings. Time and time again. And the only way I'm going to find success- in anything- is working past this pit in the road, trudging on, and getting through the no fun this sucks part of the journey.
One of the interesting things about mothering is the natural incentive. I'm sure I've felt this way many times when dealing with different challenges in mothering, but the innate love for my kids and the innate desire to be a full-time mom leaves it such that quitting isn't even a considered option. Like ever.
So it's a new ball game to choose to enter an arena when the incentives aren't nearly as natural. My incentives are simply that I have a stirring desire to do more, my mind is begging me for more engagement, and I know I can't experience full happiness in my current state of being. But figuring out all the details to satisfy these bullet points are definitely up in the air for debate. 
So there's that. Who knows why it feels vulnerable to me to write this. Maybe because I'm admitting that I'm a quitter and I'm currently trying to quit that habit. Of being a quitter. Imagine the irony.
And actually, with that, I'm off to practice my photography work. To be a good student, because if there's one thing I've really wanted to do the last few years, it's that-- be a student. So here's to making good on your dreams when they're laid before you.

(pics from our recent trip to Utah)


  1. We are thinking along the same lines, I just posted something about finishing what you start and how it has become my new motto. Even if the excitement has worn off we should finish what we start. :) Good luck with your photography class!!


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