Thursday, February 18, 2016

Ahhhh shoot, time out to give myself a therapy session.

It's kind of funny, sitting down to write the problem that seems so huge in my head translates to a simple, small problem in words: Porter's teacher emailed and wants to have a meeting about Porter's behavior.

Wow, maybe things aren't as bad as I let them be in my head. Jello-y space is a dangerous place to be. You know-- thoughts, projections, scenarios left to wander in my head with no boundaries. 

But still, I'm going to try to articulate and walk myself through what felt so huge just an hour ago. I got this email from Porter's teacher and instantly- like literally instantly before I even opened it up- my heart is beating a million times faster, and on top of that, it's beating from the pit of my stomach. I basically know what the email's going to say even though I take the brave moment to tell myself, "Well, maybe not?" But I know. And not because we've had past incidents with Porter, because actually we haven't which is a good reminder to self, but because teacher's email individually when there's a problem. I already know it's a behavioral problem and I already know that I have no idea what to do about it. But what I most intimately feel is a reflection of my own childhood. Of scenario after scenario of me talking too much and too loud and basically never modeling anything close to the perfect student. And while I was always smart, my behavior was always sub par. This single email from Porter's teacher instantly assures me (falsely so) that he's on the exact same path of me and that there's years of frustration ahead for the both of us. 

While taking a few deep breaths, a little bit of time, and deliberate introspection, I always have to remind myself of something that feels far from an innate insurance...Porter turning out like me isn't the worst case scenario. Like, it's actually ok if Porter turns out like me. I'm an okay human being with enough to offer the world. Someday I hope to feel that way without deliberately reminding myself. 

But besides that, I need to grant Porter the right to his own journey without projecting mine on him. I need to watch in real time and be intrigued as it unfolds instead of assuming/expecting the worse and being nothing other than validated when small, scenarios play out as such.

Anyways, this was a healthy exercise. Now I've freed up a little bit of space where hopefully I can figure out a healthy, effective way to help plant self-motivation in the Pistol pants. All this arbitrary teaching and planting can be a bit exhausting. I wish the straight-forward-get-your-crap-together approach would just work. But let's be honest, that never worked for me:))

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