Conspiracy

I drove my Honda Pilot for 5 years with no accidents, popping tires, breaking...pipes? or whatever is underneath the car (that I can remember at least.......). Then Yosh dropped this minivan in my driveway and I'll tell you what it wasn't three days old before I had already next-to-ripped the side panel off. I pulled into Harrison's driveway, loaded him up, and backed out- which I'd been doing for the past year WITHOUT INCIDENT- but sure enough as I backed out this time, I heard a desperate scraping sound, bending metal, and a thud. You have got to be kidding me. There'd always been the uprooted part of the driveway that the Pilot handled like a champ. In fact, I don't think I even noticed it was there until it stole half my van. So I hopped out, assessed the damage- it was hanging by a couple screws but surely driveable?, assessed my situation- who else was gonna get these boys to practice, lifted the panel back up into place and gave it a few kicks to secure position. For the next three days I had to pull over about every mile and a half, kick the panel into place, and then drive another mile and a half. Thank goodness some traveling handyman passed me during one of my MacGuyver-ing sessions and pulled over to offer his services. He took pity on me, setting the mood to take advantage of my desperation. 30 minutes and $200 later he had that van looking like new. This was in the first week of owning the van. A year later, there's many a dents and dings and scratches that have no explanation to vouch for them.

That first week of being a minivan owner, I felt like years of scattered puzzle pieces were placed together and I felt the need to defend my poor gender from all this completely undeserved trash talk. I was just a whining. "You take me out of my Pilot and put me into some low riding minivan that can't even handle going over a bump.  I DARE YOU to call me a bad driver. Now I KNOW why women get a bad rap about driving. IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY. Buy us REAL cars and we won't drive like idiots." He was getting an earful and knew better than to even joke about that mishap.

I've stewed over that thought from time to time but usually only when I'm dreamily looking at some hot mama in her big Escalade, effortlessly taking the speed bumps at 40 mph while. And don't you worry, I'm still taking them at 40 mph. Difference being I literally catch air before I bottom out {whoops.}

 But yesterday the conspiracy resurfaced.

The mini crew and I hit the grocery store. As we were pulling up, I was drumming up excitement, making sure I had Deeter on board for the event. "Alright, Deetz, are you gonna push the little cart and I'll put all the food in it?"

"Ummmmm.........." He wasn't committing quickly (which I found strange. What little kid doesn't want to push the little kid cart?) And in his apprehension, he found a better resolve. "No, Mom, I'm gonna ride in that car," he stated while pointing to the massive car attached to a cart. Really? I hate those.

"No, Deetz, think about it. You're gonna push the cart ALL BY YOURSELF. And, AND...we're gonna put the food in your cart."

No indecision, no second thought, no room for arguing. "Nope, I'm gonna drive that car."

So I huffed and puffed all the way to the 18-wheeler, buckled Kaia in up front, defiantly rejecting Deeter's request to have her ride in the driver's seat beside him, and waited for him to climb in before we approached the start of the obstacle course. Before even making it to the first aisle, I had to let out 5 excuse me's and this was all in the wide open common area. And of course, as I rounded the corner...SLOWLY...I about took out the end cap and slightly bumped some other innocent shopper. The 'excuse me's' quickly turned into a series of "Sorry." And THIS is why I wanted Deeter driving the play shopping cart. Don't get me wrong, We would have still looked like a circus act. We always do. Would the end cap and other shoppers still have been at risk? Absolutely. If me and the entourage are in the store, you better assume responsibility and "shop at your own risk." We're either hitting or inconveniencing every shopper we come in contact with. Regardless. But there's something much more endearing, and thus forgivable, when it's done by a 2 year-old. Not a 31-year-old. I passed my 20 minutes in the store, wearing an apologetic smile the whole time, having the car kiss every shelf, shopper, and cart in course. Deeter turned his steering wheel like a pro and didn't think twice when 'his' driving caused a little fender bender. Today he's still talking about how fun it was to drive that thing. He better have loved it for all the dirty looks and impatient huffs it cost me. Not to mention I'm sure all who saw me now think I'm a horrible driver. As if I were the one who brought my own impractical cart to the store in an attempt to publicly demonstrate my terrible maneuvering skills.

Now who did come up with that idea? I mean, obviously anyone can see a child would LOVE to drive that car, but it's a no brainer to also see IT DOESN'T FIT in the store.  The person who introduced the mini cart to the store, they got it right- idea, proportions, etc. The brilliance of this car-cart idea would have been maintained if proposed in a mini Cooper version.

I'm sure the master mind behind this was the same male chauvinist that thought the minivan was the perfect car to turn moms into terrible drivers. Don't have enough evidence to support my thinking, but as soon as I see Moms driving their minivans and running things over in their over-sized car-carts, all while wearing nothing but  a bikini, then I'll be sure of the conspiracy theory.