Whining

If you're not in the mood for a downer post, then go to a different page.

Hormones are part of life. Let's just all admit it and agree on that one fact. If you're a woman, it's learning to deal with the swings and imbalance and learning to recognize hormones versus stable emotion. If you're a man, it's learning to deal with the woman and taking into account that she goes through a lot of things that are out of her control.

That's where I'm at these last couple of days. Coupled with a head cold. And the end result is I kinda just feel like crap.

Today I was reading this blog. The line that jumped out was this, "Yet sadly, "marriage" gets blamed for a lot of unhappiness that people feel." I learned this lesson about individual happiness along time ago and have reflected on this single moment multiple times throughout my own marriage.

The spring before I got married, I was driving in my good ole Mazda Protege to a job, bearing my bad mood alone. My thoughts were on no kind of a leash, wandering free, indulging in all kinds of self-pity. Until I started to think........"If only I were married....." And right then and there, I distinctly remember stopping myself, not allowing any advancement in the thought. The leash was instantly put on and this asinine assumption was nipped in the bud. I reprimanded myself because I knew better than that. I knew that no matter my circumstances in life, I was always going to have rough days. Period. And I wasn't going to allow myself for even one second to blame my temporary unhappiness on some outside factor. 2 things are truth in my book: 1) If we want to be happy, we'll make that happen regardless of circumstance and 2) bad days are part of life. So buck up and roll with it.

Like I said, that single moment has been a teaching lesson on multiple occasions since it happened. Before I was married and now that I am married. And these blue days that are bound to come, I'm learning to not even look to my marriage and question if it is the source. I am the source. I know if I keep my self healthy, a lot of other factors fall into place. That being said, now that I am married and with kids, I find a couple of stumbling blocks to "keep myself healthy".

First of all, it's hard to admit when I'm feeling bad. I look around and go through this mental checklist of how awesome everything in my life is: I have a husband that absolutely loves me, 4 healthy kids, I live in a place where there is TONS of sunshine, my husband has a steady job to support our family, etc etc. I evaluate and ask myself, "So why in the world do you feel like crap?" Well, it's more than possible those outside factors have nothing to do with it. It goes back to we're just all bound to have bad days, and sometimes weeks. I have a hard time coming to terms with and accepting my feelings instead of trying to talk myself out of them, which gets me absolutely nowhere. I've gotten a lot better at this.

But where I'm just learning to really take care of myself, put happiness in my own hands, etc is the next part. For me when I'm feeling like this, I just need to get out. Alone. Ok, or at least without my kids. Which means deserting the fam and dumping four kids on Yosh. Can I tell you what a selfish move this feels like? And that feeling stopped me from taking care of myself for a long time. I thought I had to be really mad, or like get in a fight, or something dramatic like that to be able to take off and have a couple hours to myself. I'm now getting a lot better at saying, "I need some time to myself. Sorry! Have fun with the kids." And he never complains. No, I'm not doing it all the time so there's not much to complain about anyway but I think we both know as the saying goes...if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. It's just learning how to make mama happy!

Anyways, that's enough of my wah-wahing for one day. And it it doesn't make a lot of sense, chalk it up as crazy talk. Hoping tomorrow's a great day and that this cold goes away asap. And that the hormones have made their rounds and are ready to move onto the next victim!